Youth Unsupervised

Chapter 30-Undone

Knocking on the door to a house I'd lived in just several months prior felt pretty odd. My mother answering that door felt even weirder. I had to wait around a month to actually catch her at home, and as I made my way into the living room to sit with her, I seriously thought about sprinting back outside. What was I even doing here?

I guess she felt just as awkward as I did, since we must have sat for at least two whole minutes in total silence while the ice in our tea glasses clinked as it melted and settled into the glass.

"How do you like your new apartment?" my mother asked, breaking the silence at last.

"Yeah, it's fine."

"Not too small?"

I shrugged. "I'm only one person. I don't need anything bigger."

"I suppose that's true." She smiled faintly. "I used to be fine with tiny apartments. I wonder why your father and I ever bought this place."

"Why did you buy this place?" I glanced around the familiar joint living room and kitchen. "It seems pretty big for just the three of us, and you were never really home anyway."

"You know, I think your father wanted it for you."

"For me?"

She nodded. "He didn't have much growing up, the middle child of six other siblings. It never really seemed like enough to go around to him. He never wanted you to feel that way."

I'd honestly never considered that. I knew my father had a large family, but I hadn't really known it was a struggle for him. We didn't really have frank conversations, at least not many that I could remember.

"I'm sorry we weren't here as much as we could have been, Kaito." Her gaze was focused on the tea glass. "We never really planned for children. I suppose I was afraid of becoming my mother. She was...unbalanced. The thought that I might cause you that same pain frightened me. I had no idea how to be a real mother to you. Your father was so focused on being a provider." She met my eyes. "We weren't there as much as we should have been."

That seemed like a pretty big understatement. Still, it was nice to hear her finally say it out loud.

I chuckled and shook my head. "Why this all the sudden?"

"I suppose that I realized you've grown into a fine young man and I wasn't here to see any of it."

"I'm not sure about that. I don't think I know what I'm doing at all."

She smiled gently. "No one your age does. You're still figuring out who you want to be, but whoever that is, I'm sure he'll be wonderful. That girl was lucky to have you."

"I don't think she saw it that way. Or at least, she didn't see me the way I wanted her to see me."

"Unrequited love is always hard. Have you told her how you feel?"

I shrugged and stared down at the beads of condensation rolling down my glass. "She knows."

"It is not for her. It is for you. Does she have a boyfriend?"

I laughed. "I doubt it. She isn't really the dating type."

"Then you should tell her."

"You act like there's hope."

She shook her head. "It's not for the hope. It is fore the closure. A love lost is a love lost. You have to begin to heal."

I couldn't help but think back to what Hiromasa said when he confessed-- it hurt, but was somehow freeing. Could I really allow myself to be that vulnerable?