After All These Years

Here We Go Again

TRIGGER WARNING.

Camila POV:

I sat in my car thinking. I was about to drive to my ex best friends house. I didn't know what she was going to say to me, and I didn't know what I was going to say to her. All I knew was that I did not want to go back into the band. As much as I loved the first couple of months, maybe even the first year, I couldn't go back to doing it again. I hated being a part of something that was on the go all of the time. I wanted to work to my own schedule. I was so tired of everything and at one point didn't know if I wanted to even sing anymore.
I finally started the car and drove to Dinah's house. I got out the car and made sure I was presentable. I then scuttled up to the door feeling as awkward as ever. I knocked three times like we used to do in hotel rooms. She opened the door quickly and she looked flustered. We stared at each other for a few seconds before stepping in for a hug. We didn't say anything for a while before I blurted out; "I miss you."
She looked me in the eyes and said; "I miss you more Mila." She invited me in and made me some tea. She made it exactly how we used to make it.

"The reason I needed to talk to you so soon is not a good one, and it's going to be quite a lot to take," she began. She handed me my tea before talking again. "I'm not going to sit here and beg you to come back because I know that ain't going to happen. However you need to talk to Lauren."
I almost choked on my tea. Lauren? She was the one who hated me most! Why would I talk to her?
"Lauren?" I almost shout. "She hates me. Like, completely despises me."

Dinah shakes her head. There's tears in her eyes. "Camila, I need to tell you this and you can't tell a soul." I'm suddenly very scared about what Dinah is going to tell me.
"Lauren is really ill. She is completely broken without you. Ever since you left us, she has not slept properly, not eaten properly and not drank properly, unless you count alcohol. She drinks to forget. She's always got a bottle of beer in her hand, even when we're at interviews or photoshoots. When we're together and does sleep, I hear her talking. She always talks about you and cries, then wakes up and is too scared to fall back asleep." She stops and breaks down in tears. She wants to continue and I can already tell the next bit is going to be hard.
"She had to go to hospital," Dinah continues to sob. "Because she self harmed. She cut herself so deep I took her in to get stitches." Dinah is now hysterical. She can't contain her tears and I find myself sobbing too. I can't believe I had this effect on Lauren. I've never felt so bad in my whole life. Especially since this isn't the first time Lauren has been depressed. And I know for a fact the other girls don't know that. I'm the only one who knows.
"She loved you. She loved you with her whole heart." I pull Dinah in for a hug. "I've never seen anyone fall in love so hard before, you broke her."
I didn't know what to do or say. I kept Dinah in my arms until her crying had died down a little. I still had tears rolling down my face but wiped them away.
"I need you to talk to her. For us. For her." She sighs. "I'm scared that if you don't, she might..." I didn't need to hear the rest. I knew what would happen. I needed a plan to help Lauren. Because I knew I was still in love with her and I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I already have done.

I walked into the bathroom of Lauren and I's hotel room and went to wash my hands. I grabbed my soap that smelled like home from my wash bag. As I was doing so I heard the hotel room door shut.

"Hey Camz! It's just Lauren." I heard a beautifully husky voice say from in the bedroom.

"Hey gorgeous!" I shout back.
I then go to the sink and I'm horrified at what I saw. There was little smears of blood on the white sink and a small blade that looked as though it came from a pencil sharpener lying near the tap. I gasped because I knew exactly what it was. Tears formed in my eyes and became uncontrollably flooding out onto my cheeks. I dropped the soap on the floor and ran through to Lauren. She was sitting on the bed and I crashed into her. I held her tight in my arms and sobbed into her shoulder.

"Camila?" She asked worriedly. "What's wrong?"

I let go of her and stared into her green eyes.
"Listen to me. I love you so much, okay? I love you. We all do." I broke down sobbing again. I yanked the covers half way off the bed and pulled Lauren under them with me. I held her to my chest, and I kept kissing her head over and over.
"I love you Lauren." I kept repeating it to make sure she knew. She took herself away from my chest and stared into my eyes. I watched the realisation wash over her then the tears form in her gorgeous green eyes.

"Oh my god, Mila," she shook her head in disbelief. "I didn't clean up. Oh my god." She tried to get up to go and wash away the blood that was in the sink.

"Don't leave me right now. Stay." I sobbed.

"I'm so sorry Mila, don't hate me."

"Hate you?!" I cried. "I would never hate you Lauren. Never."

She nestled into the crook of my neck and I heard her heavy sobbing in my ear. It gave me chills down my back.

"Lauren?" She didn't look up. "I want you to know that whatever you need, I'll help you. Wherever you are, I'll be there. Whenever it all gets too much I will be here and I will love you through it all."

She sighs again into my neck and whispers; "I love you Camila." She kissed my neck and then cuddles in once more.

"I love you more Lauren." But I don't think she heard me. She fell asleep very quickly and I knew she got tired easily, especially when crying. I started to think again and began to wonder where I should have asked her if everything was okay. When she stopped laughing as much as she used to? When she fell asleep when we were having our nightly goofy talk? When she stopped loving food as much as she used to? When she started missing out meals completely? When I watched her getting skinnier by the day? Or when I was woken by her opening a bottle of pills in the middle of the night? I wonder why I didn't step in. I guess I thought she'd get mad and say it was none of my business. And now look at her. She was crying out for help, and I hate myself for it.
When she woke again she looked at me and I smiled at her.

"Morning beautiful." I say softly.

"Hey." She croaks back. I could almost hear cogs turning in her brain as she was processing what had happened before. She finally jumps out of bed and runs into the bathroom. She slams the door and I immediately get up and run in after her. She was standing at the sink staring down at the blood. I walk over and gently push her away from it. I sit her on the toilet seat and kiss her forehead. She stares at the wall shuts her eyes, and hums a song I recognise; Girls Like Girls by Hayley Kiyoko. I walk over to the sink and I don't really know what to do. I run the tap and grab a cloth and rub the little bits of blood away. I look at the blade and I don't know what to do. I stop the tap and look at Lauren she's still staring at the wall and I take the blade to my wash bag. I take out the box I keep my allergy meds in and put it in there. I seal it up tight. I turn round and smile at Lauren. I loved her, it was the truth, but I hated seeing her like this. I took her back to the bedroom and sat her down on the bed.

"Hey, look at me," I say to Lauren. "You'll get through this. We'll get through it. Together."

Hey:)I'm here to talk to anyone who is going through anything at the moment. Just thought I'd let you know.