Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room at night when no one was watching. Nobody knows how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've felt like I was about to snap, but just don't, for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody. Knows. Me.
I'm the friend that walks behind everyone else when there's not enough space to walk. I'm the friend that messages first. I'm the friend with the disorder, the "crazy" one, and I've started to think "what if I am crazy". I want someone to message me first, I want someone to invite me and not the other way around because the only way for me to be included is if I ask first. I want someone to have a crush on me even if I don't like them back. I want to be the "pretty" one. I want to be part of the group.
When I'm around people you would never think that something was wrong with me. When I'm with people I smile and laugh, I don't bite my nails, or try to hide my face, you wouldn't even notice the bags under my eyes or the band-aids on my wrists. But when I'm alone, I'm a whirlwind of emotions that you can't stop. If you could get me alone you would see behind the wall in front of my dark eyes, the eyes full of secrets and despair, you would see that I'm terrified, fighting back my emotions. And you would never look at me the same again.
That's the problem with being the strong one. You might not even categorize me as the strong one but I am. When you're the strong one, no one thinks that you could break. But when you do, no one is there to hold your hand or wipe a way the tears, to stop you from destroying everything. I need a shoulder to cry on, a hand holder, someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't have anyone. I need someone.
I wish someone knew about me. I wish when they asked me how I am and I say "I'm fine", that they hug me and say "I know you're not". I want someone to let me cry and for them to comfort me. I need someone to know about me, so that they can help me.
Please. Help. Me.
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The Untitled Story of an Anxiety Disorder
RandomI'm the girl who is always there for people when they need a friend but I am also the girl who faces many issues alone, but would still do anything to see someone else smile. This is the diary of someone living with anxiety. Some people might think...
