Kandomere, faces his demons

Part 19

Kandomere sat on the couch in Linda's office, she in her chair, she had been waiting several minutes for an answer.

"I can only help you, if you communicate with me, you know that."

"Some things" he replied "have no solution"

"I disagree" she replied.

He sighed, " I just can't discuss it, it would make me sound crazier telling you, than if I just stop communicating."

"Why do you want to go backwards rather than forwards, there has never been a time when I thought you were crazy, why would I start now?"

"Because the truth is crazy," he almost shouted, she closed her notepad. "Kandomere, I have a confession to make. I have been avoiding it, because like you now, I still don't want to sound crazy."

He looked confused

" I had seen you before our meeting in your home, I knew who you were when you told me your name" she said.

"How"? he frowned

"We have mutual, personal friends. I attended a charity function to which you were also invited, a few days before your Psychotic break." she went on.

He froze.

"I am in an awkward position" she said " In order to make you comfortable and able to confide, I feel I may be breaking a confidence to someone else, someone or even more than one, who I care about a great deal"

He stared at her, " You know, don't you?"

"Yes, I do, I know all of them. I can even tell you, without needing to hide it, that Mazekeen is possibly my best friend in the whole world." she confided

He was stunned, Mazekeen still scared him witless.

"So you must understand, how impossible it is? why I can't just go and try and work it out with the person I am hopelessly in love with?" he insisted.

"You have no idea what I understand Kandomere, my understanding of everything went through a very radical change last year." she stopped, trying to find words which would not betray confidences, "My perception changed."

"I have no magic Kandomere but I have experienced it. I was given a gift, and after the earth shattering shock, which caused me to suffer my own psychotic break. I embraced them all, it doesn't matter for how long. Each moment I have spent with Lucifer, or Amenadiel, or Mazekeen and more recently Nephele, has been equally terrifying, wonderful, and surreal, but I know I am Blessed, because they touched my life, and I theirs."

"My psychotic break was like a 4th July weekend Kandomere, I have been to Hell and back, and I mean it literally, I went to actual HELL because I love Lucifer so much. I would do it again in a heartbeat, for any one of them."

"I can only tell you, don't be afraid to love Nephele, no matter what, I can't promise it won't hurt, or promise it will last forever, but I can tell you, that if its for an hour or a lifetime, it will be worth it." she said softly.

His mind was racing.

"Times up, " he said rushing towards the door, "See you on Thursday"

Then he turned and came right back in.

"Well, I'm waiting." she said.

"What if I hurt her, what if I am just one sick fuck and I hurt her during sex.  I have no idea why I sexually intimidated her that night, except I enjoyed it, it  thrilled me. I am scared I wont be able to control myself." he said so quietly it was almost spoken to himself.

"We have discussed this several times, there is no norm in any relationship, we made an erotic "Template"of guidelines, but if it is mutual, you are allowed to leave the lines.  You fantasized about having sex with Nephele? she asked, knowing the answer

"Of course" he laughed quietly.

"When you spent those ten days as a couple, and you didn't initiate sex, what were your fantasies like? loving, violent, perverse? deviant?" she had paid attention in their sessions.

"Loving" he replied," like a dream, warm soft, loving..."

"One doesn't exclude the other, people are able to have quite perverse sex, even introducing some extreme practices, but are able to end the session in the warmth, the softness, the love. The Greeks called it Erota and Agape. Erota burns with passion, while Agape, is a quiet fulfilled embrace."

Kandomere shook his head, looking so lost, so broken.

"You also said, she had found the night you broke up, when you were sexually intimidating her, she had found some of it arousing. Nephele is a I believe a very erotic being, sensual and sensuous, don't attempt to make her behave like an Angel she has done that, has the t shirt as they say." insisted Linda.

"You are a wicked woman Linda Martin" he grinned at her.

"I had an excellent teacher" she replied nonchalantly.

Kandomere sat open mouthed, " You mean?" he gasped.

Linda smiled secretively, "wouldn't you  like to know"

She closed her notebook

" I think" she said " Your session ended long ago and I shall bill you double."