Rants

loyalty

loyalty

you hear those 'inspiration' quotes about giving not taking

about thinking of others before yourself and all that stuff but here's the thing:

How long does it go until? Let's say there's this one thing you've wanted all your life whether its an object, a goal, a sibling, a pet, whatever it is. 

There's this void where it should be and you've asked for it as long as you can remember but ofcourse life still goes on and its not going to wait for you so you still have to keep going. You live every day doing your best, trying to please others, doing things to make others happy, thinking of others before yourself. You feel guilty about the littlelest things and do EVERYTHING you can to satisfy others. You feel like your purpose in life is to live for others. Not in a negative way but just because thats what makes you happy. Helping others that is.

You've never asked for anything and even when you enter this stage that parents love: 'the teen years' you don't act like one. You go out of your way to keep your cool and not do anything that makes you a stereotypical teen in a way. You don't have social media, you don't whine, don't fall into peer pressure, become moody, scream, blame, curse, the whole jazz. 

So here you are: going out of your way to help others and not doing anything that actually seems to be a problem. But then there's this one thing you've really wanted for a long time. Its funny actually because you forgot about that one thing you really wanted. That was until life got hard and you realized that you're going to come across problems every. single. day. 

It's hard getting through everyday because sometimes everyone has their own share of poop and everyone's just trying to get by. You live in a house where everyone is facing their own battles not fighting together as one. Okay fine thats fine too. But what about that one thing you've wanted? See that one thing you've wanted for so long, everyone around you seems to be achieving it. The days that were special to you were the same days your friends accomplished what you've wanted for such a long time. Now onward, those days will be a forever reminder of what you don't have. Those days will no longer be to celebrate but they will cause a pang of sadness because someone else smiled on the day you cried. 

Anyway back to the point, its never enough. this whole "give don't take" is useless. I'm not saying be selfish and do things for yourself. I'm saying that even if giving to other people and making others happy is what makes you happy, its a never ending cycle because nothing is ever enough anymore. You struggle day in and out to satisfy others and thats all life turns into. Constantly meeting other's expectations. It really stinks. 

And you want to rebel and show that you know what? I'm not something to be taken granted for... but you can't even do that. Know why? Cause you've been raised and living your whole life living in a positive manner, doing all the 'goody two shoes' things. Being a good child, sibling, friend all of that stuff. So even if you want to act like a rebel, its physically impossible. (you don't know how to)

So ladies and gentleman, to conclude, this the never ending circle of giving. You do everything you can for everyone else but when you want one thing, you never get it. For that one thing you would give up so much yet everyone else seems to be blind regarding it. Key word being 'seems'.