Lost Tapes ♡ h.s.

Tape 5

 April 27th 2014, 11:31pm

                                                    "Can you believe that there are only two tapes left, Harry? When I thought about doing them I thought my list would have been longer. Some people think it needs many more people to crush someone. But you know one person can be enough. Just like one person can be enough to hold it all in place, to build you up again, to heal you. But destroying things is always easier than building things up again. Trust me, I tried.

 The last tapes were about Molly Ralston, Jason Butcher and my parents. I said I only have five people on my list and we are already on number 4. Well, "I am number four"...did you see what I did there? You desperately wanted to watch this movie and then you didn't like the ending and were so disappointed...ah the memories.

 But yes, you heard right, I've put myself onto the list and I will tell you the reason why. I blame myself for the decision because...how could I not? I'm the one who is sitting here  right now, recording stupid tapes for you to listen to. Again, I'm sorry for making you go through this. I'm sure this whole situation would have been easier on you, if you didn't know about all these key events that happened to me. Or would it have been harder? Not knowing why I did it. I don't know. 

 Which leads me to why I blame myself. My doubts. My doubts about everything that is surrounding me. I doubted our relationship, your faithfulness, my parents, my grades, my friends, my whole family actually and last but not least myself in a whole.

 Everything Molly did and said to me shouldn't matter, right? I shouldn't believe her because she is wrong...I know, I know that's what everyone would  tell me. If only it were this easy! Every time I was alone with her I've felt so insecure about myself.

 I'm not as strong as I'm supposed to be and this is why I hate myself, why I've put myself on the list. I should be stronger, I should care less, I should focus on things that really matter in life. But sadly other people opinion's matter to me, Harry.

 They matter so much.

 Even if we tell ourselves that we don't care about what other people think about ourselves, even if we love ourselves. There is always that tiny part in our brain, to some people more noticeable than to other's, that breaks whenever we hear a hurtful comment about ourselves.

 And I've heard so many of them. I've tried to accept myself the way I am. I have always been far from loving myself and even now that I know I will leave soon, I hate myself. I hate myself for leaving but what has to be done has to be done, right? Some people might miss me but the majority is going to celebrate my death anyway. I just know it, so I'm just doing them a favor.

 Since we are talking about self-hatred and so on...I have some advice for you, Harry. Don't ever, ever give up. No matter how much pain you have to go through, no matter how many people are going to leave, never ever give up. After rain will come sunshine, after pain will come happiness. It may take some time but it will appear.

 After someone left you, someone else will appear. You are never going to be alone. No matter how lonely you feel right now, there is always someone who loves you and thinks of you.

 I don't want you to give up. I don't want you to do the same mistake as me. You probably think "What kind of advice is that?" Sure, I get it. But Harry, it is already over for me, Harry. There is no turning back. Instead of turning right which would have led me to many more possibilities, I'm turning left and here I am in a one-way-road. And now, I'm stuck and I face the only possible option:

 My death.

 I have realized that giving up is not the solution but the realization has come too late and this is why my street formed into a one-way-road. It might not make sense to you, it doesn't have to. It doesn't make sense to me either.

 But it's too late, Harry, and we both know you've always managed to rescue me from myself but this time I have to say sorry because you can't save me this time. If I had let you rescue me you would have ended up in this one-way-road with me and I don't want you to be here in this situation.

 I don't want to be in this situation myself, but I am, and there sadly is no way back. I'm sorry, Harry, I'm so sorry."

 This is the first time that Harry didn't cry after he'd listened to a tape. He didn't know why and he didn't want to think about why there were no tears for the lovely girl speaking. But Clarissa had cried. The last sentence was spoken by her with sobs escaping her throat and tears rolling down her cheeks.

 Harry was really angry. He was really, really angry at Clary for making such a selfish decision. And her tapes might help him understand but they didn't sooth his anger a tiny bit. He would have always been there for her. He would have gone with her, if that is what it would have taken to get her back into life. He would have saved her from herself but she didn't let him. She had kept everything to herself.

 And now, that it was too late, she unpacked all the painful memories, recorded them on tapes and Harry was not even allowed to keep them.

 Angrily, Harry walked downstairs and saw his mother sitting in the living room. Harry opened the front door and put a jacket on whilst walking. Seconds after he had slammed the door shut, the door opened again and he heard his mother yell after him. But Harry didn't turn around, Harry didn't care.

 He needed space and the small house in which he was living didn't give him any of that. Tape 5 was in the pocket of his jacket along with a little Walkman in his other. He didn't even know if this old thing still worked. Hell, he didn't even know if he was going to use it. Maybe he was just going to throw the last tape away without giving it a listen.

 Only when he crossed the third street and Harry stepped into a huge puddle he realized that it was raining. Oh, how he wished the rain could wash his pain and anger away.

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