Confessions of A Sex Addict

tenth confession

I'm going to tell you guys right now that writing this chapter had me in tears. Be warned it's extremely sad and it may trigger those who have experienced something similar.

My health didn't improve. But I'm glad that it wasn't the camping trip that caused this. It was the progression of my lung cancer, deeper into stage four. The doctor who diagnosed me was off by a whole stage. They say I don't have much time left, to contact my loved ones to bring them here. I haven't confessed to Carter,  and I surely haven't confessed my imminent death to my sister either. I've been stuck in a hospital bed, using a respirator, and obviously dying. Carter is so hopeful and I don't have the heart to tell him. I called for a lawyer this morning. I have things to get straight before I go,  but besides that I'm ready. Although I'm extremely young.  I have nothing for me in life but money, and Carter deserves better than me. He will find someone who will accept him and all of his flaws and won't be afraid to love him.
The lawyer comes through the door in a soft looking black suit. He was tall and lanky, just as a typical lawyer. Dark hair covered his whole head (shocker), and his nose was huge and lumpy, a sign of an addiction to alcohol. He takes a seat beside my bed.  I'm allowed to take the respirator off of my face for this.
"Ms. Arnold, I am Mr. Tiner. I understand that we're here today to write your will?" I nod my response. I don't want to waste my voice and strength on talking for that simple answer. "Okay, all you have to do is tell me who gets what and I'll take care of the rest." I nod again.

****

Carter comes through the door looking worn down. He sees me and his face drops further. "You look worse than you did this morning. Is everything alright?" He moves to sit in the chair beside me and grabs my hand. I squeeze it to hold the tears back. I had fallen in love with this man, just to die before we even got started. I pulled the mask from my face.
"Carter,  I know that you won't believe me,  but I'm dying. The specialist said there's nothing I can do to reverse it. He said my lungs are already filling with liquid and they're trying to keep it down." Carter hung his head in sadness.
"How long?" My heart sunk at the reality.
"Any time." He squeezed my hand so tightly it hurt enough for me to wince, but I know what he's going through, I let him squeeze it. "I called a lawyer this morning, my will is written. It's going to happen soon. I can feel it Carter." I watch his tears fall to the floor in slow motion. I can't take this. "Carter,  please don't be sad. Be happy. I getting be free of the tortures of this world. You may think that this is part of your torture,  but obviously we were only meant to have the time that we've had together, and it made me happy. You taught me to love, Carter, okay? Don't be sad for me. Or yourself. You will find someone who is so much better for you than me. But when I'm gone, I want you to remember what you did for me. How you helped me and saved my soul. My life doesn't matter anymore, this body won't matter either. I want you and my sister to cremate me and spread the ashes in places that remind you of me. I need you to call my sister and tell her I don't have long. I want you both here when I go." He tried to stop the tears and nodded.
"I'll go call her now." He scooped my phone off the bedside and kissed my forehead, tears still flowing, and left the room.
It was getting harder to breath every second. But I knew I would see my sister one last time.

*****

I was gently shaken awake by my sister I could feel her gentle hand before I opened my eyes. And with tears running down her face she hugged me close to her. She began sobbing, "I should have come when you told me you were diagnosed. Now look at where we're at.  I haven't seen you in years and now your leaving me!" I hugged her tightly. "Sissy, I'll always be with you. I love you to the ends of the earth."  she let me go and let me lay back on the bed. I took the respirator off.  There's no point in wearing it, It's not going to save me.
Carter was there as well, watching me from the corner of the room. Although this time when we made eye contact he smiled a sad smile and mouthed the simple words, 'I love you'. I said them back out loud.

We visited for a couple of hours before all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. It was happening. It felt like I was drowning in a pool of nothingness. I reached for both Carter and my sister. Their resolve broke right in front of me, because they too knew what was happening. I held me closely between them as I drowned in my own fluids. Doctors came rushing in at the sound of the machine freaking out. They tried to put me on life support. Carter held up a hand but did not let his eyes leave mine. "No, don't. She wants to go. Let her go." He gently pressed his lips to mine for the last time.  He kissed me harder than he ever had,  yet it was so gentle. It made me sob breathlessly beneath him I looked him in the eye while we kissed. I didn't want to look away, I couldn't. I took my last breath from his lungs and I wouldnt have had it any other way.

I'm sorry this is short but you have to understand that I lost interest in writing this story. Trust me. I did not plan on ending the book like this at all. No, this is not the last chapter. But the last chapter will probably be less than 1000 words and I will post it ASAP. Of course I have to write it but I'm in the mood to finish this thing. So it may be up as soon as tomorrow.

Samantha