A new life

One

October 8 1996

Scott

I sat on the stairs of the Border office, though it was quite chilly. I heard footsteps coming and turned around, kinda startled. Billy was coming out, with two cups of cocoa. He  handed me one  and took a sip of his, before sitting by my side.

"Guess you couldn't sleep either." He said "Do you imagine working here, in winter? It must be like being in an island, there must be very few people crossing this border."

"No, guess not." I gave a sigh, not knowing too well how to bring into conversation last days events. Sooner or later, we'd have to talk about it... Finally, it was Billy who did it.

"Sam was going to kill me, as soon as he had crossed the border. He told me." 

I looked at my brother, shocked by the lack of emotion in his voice. Maybe it was a way of self defense, after all.

"Right after going out, a strong argument broke out between him and this woman, Marcella. He asked her for a map of Minnesota, and said it was in the house, over a table near the door. She looked at him , and said she'd forgotten it. Hell, he went mad. He started yelling  at her and said she'd left it on purpose, hoping someone found it. After ten miles or so, he stopped the car, and told this woman to go down. She pleaded and cried at Sam, begging him not to kill her. He...he made me go out as well, and told us to walk to a near forest. There was no one but us there. He ordered Marcella to lay down on the ground...and he shot her in the head, just like that. Then, he pointed at me with the gun. " You're next...  but for now, you're still useful. Move."  He pushed me back to the car, and drove away as if nothing had happened. "

I listened in silence, and a shiver ran through my body as I heard what Billy had been through. I passed my arm over his shoulder, trying uselessly to confort him. He didn't react, probably his mind was miles away from there.

"Guess we've been lucky, after all... Think of..."

"Of what, Scott?  Of Ma? I can't right now. The only thing I feel for her now is despise. Fuck, she kinda sold us to that son of a bitch, and didn't care what he'd do to us. She's as guilty as him..." Billy looked at me, and his expression got suddenly harder ."  Remember when she came to the house, and told us her real story? I wouldn't say she sounded regretful or worried about us, not even for a damned moment.  Guess we didn't know our mother at all, Scott."  Billy's voice was broken, and his anger had been replaced by sadness. "Hell, why did she  do this to us? " He stared at me "You know,  I  wonder if she ever loved us, or father, or if she was just pretending. Maybe we were but a way to hide her real intentions." 

I looked at Billy, and even if I was puzzled by what he was saying, I had to admit he could be right.

"Hadn't thought of that, but...God, you may  be right."

 "Well, I had, I thought of it on my way here...she got exactly what she wanted, stay out of trouble as long as that Sam was in prison. You know, he kept implying he could be my actual father." Billy covered his face with his hands  "I need to know it, I will ask Father to make a test the moment we're back home."

I didn't know what to say, how do you find words in such a situation? "He was just playing with you, Billy. Don't let him win, okay?"

"He's already won."I had never seen Billy so lost. "What if he was right and I...?" He couldn't go on.

"Don't even think of that! He was manipulating you just like he manipulated Mom to do exactly what he wanted. Talk to Dad, okay? Torturing you like that only will hurt you more."

"But how could I trust Dad again after all they've hidden us?" He exclaimed angrily. "What if he knew I wasn't his child but just didn't mind? Or...what if he didn't know?"

"Look, when we're back in Chicago I will go with you to do that test. Hopefully that way you'll sweep those stupid ideas from your head once and for all."

Billy smiled sadly "If only! But thanks all the same." He looked at his watch "Hey, it's late. We should go to sleep. Or to try at least." He got up and went into the cabin but turned around when he was by the door "By the way, thank you."

"What for?"

"For being there. Not only these days, but..."

"You're definitely exhausted, bro. C'mon, go to sleep will you?"

He managed to smile and went into the cabin. I stayed outside a bit longer and when I went inside, he was laying on the sofa, with his eyes closed. I tried not to make noise as I went to the bunks. 

After a short while I heard my Father's voice and he and Billy arguing. "But I do." Billy was clearly upset "After all this, I do need to know it. And someway, I think you owe it to me."

I felt how the safe life I had always known was crumbling just in front of me and was terrified with the only thought of Billy not being my brother. I knew him too well, sometimes his hot blooded temper would take decisions for him, and I feared this would be one of  those moments. What if he decided to run away from home? I laid on one of the bunks and it was just like a dam was suddenly opened and water invaded everything around. I began to cry uncontrollably, longing for a peaceful, quiet life that would never come back.