Just a little something for me

For the last three days

For the last three days,
I've laid in my bed all day.
I've got up before everyone else and made tea.
I get up for dinner but I  return to my bed.

For the last three days,
I've limited my conversations to family members,
And necessary people.
I've just laid in my bed.

For the last three days,
I'd say I haven't been able to breathe,
And although my lungs feel like acid in my back,
Well I haven't been able to breath for a while.
I had one day since October 2017 where I felt relief, where I could breath.

For the last three days,
I've stayed off Facebook,
I've gone on Snapchat to post things and send my streaks.
I've posted things on Instagram but stayed off that as much as possible too.

For the last three days,
I've either laid in bed staring at my white walls,
Or I've laid on the sofa staring at my white walls.
I've occasionally listened to music or watched a few episodes of Tv shows.
But my time has been spent on the walls mainly.

For the last three days,
I've stayed up until half  three,
I've been crying so much that I've either throwing up or physically can't breathe as if I'm drowning in my own tears.

For the last three days,
I've been wondering what's wrong with me.
I've been thinking about why I say the glass is half empty instead of half full.
I figured out it's because I'm always half empty.
I'm always not enough.
There's always something better.
People see me as half empty.
They want something that's full.

For the last three days,
I've woken up at seven in the morning,
I wake up sweating,
Sobbing so much I can't breathe,
Over people who don't give a shit anymore.

For the last three days,
I've wondered why I can't just be enough.
Why I can't be what someone wants.
Why I just can't be loved or just let go.
Why the only time a guys interested in me is because I look good.
Because I'm easy pray.
Why every guy I meet either just wants to fuck me or save me.
As if they hadn't already figured out I don't need saving.
I've been drowning since the age of 5, I've only just realised it but it's one of those "if you don't splash are you even drowning?" Kinda things.

For the last three days,
I've wondered why I've got to play the rescuer to the broken.
I've wondered why someone can't just rescue me without me having to say anything.
I observe, I rescue those who make it obvious their drowning and need a boat.
Yet here I am thrashing around in the ocean but there's no boats.

For the last three days,
My lungs have felt like acid against my rib cage.
My chest feels like something heavies pressed against it.
My body aches with hurt,
And my brains leaking pain.

For the last three days,
I've worked on icing up my heart again.
I've worked at putting people back in their place like I used to do.
I've worked on how to make my smile and laughs believable again.

For the last three days,
I have tried to go back to breathing on my own.
I wondered why humans was put on this planet to physically and emotionally suffer because that's all life is when you really look at it.
I've asked myself why once you've hit rock bottom does someone give you a ladder only to throw it down when you're half way up.

For the last three days,
I've ran my fingers over my cross shaped scars.
The story behind why their cross shapes is quite ironic, as well as the position.
The cross was for two reasons, one easier to hit a vein in both ways, two for revenge on this so called 'God' that gave us our existence.
The position,
Well I started on the thighs,
More arteries,
But I wear shorts a lot so my hip was easier to cover up.
Plus my hip has a thick blue vein on the left side.
That's why they always bleed so much.

For the last three days,
I've thought about finishing this year.
I've decided I'm done now.
I probably wont do it because of the guilt,
But I've planned it.
I've asked to stay at my dads girlfriends for a week in the summer,
And I've asked to stay at my mums for a week too.
It's easier this way because then my niece won't have a risk of finding me.
I can easily do it this way too.
My name is the forgotten child and I stay quiet.
I am the good child who just slips out of sight and mind.
I could do it.
I just want these next few months to be the best they can be.
I am tired and I quit at life.
My games over.
I'm gonna make sure of that.