Swara's Ordeal - Epistles in prose

To wait or... to forget?

This is the fourth in the letter series, from Swara to Sanskaar; and was really difficult to pen. The then track was downright depressing, causing so much angst that I had found it difficult to try analyzing how Swara would feel (frankly, it was because I personally find the track implausible and totally unwarranted). Though I have completed it, I am not very happy, but there is a limit to which I can improve ridiculous! However, in a way this post was cathartic, as it did pave the way for the next one!

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My beloved Sanskaar,

My heart resonates to yours! And I asked 'whom does your heart resonates to?' I do not know where I worked up the courage to ask you to choose and walk out, without looking back. Believe me, that was so difficult, each step that took me away from you, was harder, each step was like walking on sharp knives, which left unseen scars. But then, what else was I to do? You have to make the choice.

And yet, when I think back, I guess I could walk away because of only one thing, you told Kavita that I was your wife. Such a small word and yet it encompassed the entire universe for me. It makes me warm and giddy at the same time. Actually, this was not the first time you ever said I was your wife. The first time was when we entered the Baari pretending to be married. You said it a number of times after that and each time you said that, something changed between us, imperceptible, at first, noticeably afterwards, till we realized our love for each other. And then, when you told that to Kavita, it seemed to be a reiteration of your love for me and an acknowledgment of my love for you. Maybe that is how I summoned the courage to leave the decision to you.

But I am apprehensive, I do not doubt your love for me, I am unsure of Kavita!

I am aware of how much you loved her once and am afraid that her presence could reawaken that love, a love that never died with her but maybe, just slumbered in the deep depths of your heart. It was cruel the way she was snatched from you but equally cruel is the way she has been brought back to us. I am so frightened, there is a tiny hesitant voice that says, 'Maybe, Sanskaar will choose Kavita.'

I refuse to heed that voice, I do not accept the existence of that possibility because at this point I cannot comprehend a life without you.

Why are the fates so unkind that at the threshold of hope, we have been thrust into the depths of despair, not once, but twice! And yet, I have to gamble with the fates again, with my hands tied and not allowed to toss the die. With the stakes so high, that I would not be able to pay the price of my loss. You would make the choice and I might pay the price.

How does one weigh two loves, what is the scale to measure them? How does one choose between the two; one, a memory that has come to life and the other, a living flame, which might just burn into a memory? How do you pick your love, when emotions cannot be stilled and logic is useless? How does one decide, thinking with your heart or feeling with your mind?

I have no answers to my questions and I cannot help you decide. Believe me, if I could, I would. If I could, I would be by your side, holding you. I would whisper to you, as you have done, a countless times, "it will be alright". But I cannot, even if this means that I could lose you forever. This is one journey you have to undertake alone. And sometimes, no matter how much we want things to happen, all one can do is wait. It is difficult to wait, but not waiting would mean giving up on what I want the most - You!

Arrivederci,

Swara

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Thank you for reading and as usual all feedback, good or bad is welcome.

The next letter is slightly different and hopefully is a pleasant surprise rather than a rude shock.