Swara's Ordeal - Epistles in prose

And love is ... fire!

By the time the serial reached this track, writing these letters had become a habit. (I would still watch it occasionally, though I knew about everything that happened and could happen, courtesy the Forum discussions). This letter also reverts to me writing closely to the serial track and is a short one in which I have tried to pen down why Swara refuses to believe that Kavita could be behind those illogical events happening in the current track (believe me, calling those events illogical is actually complimenting the creative who penned that track)

The title is from one of the sonnets penned by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, which I have reproduced below:

'Yet, love, mere love, is beautiful indeed

And worthy of acceptation. Fire is bright,

Let temple burn, or flax; an equal light

Leaps in the flame from cedar-plank or weed:

And love is fire. And when I say at need

I love thee . . . mark! . . . I love thee-in thy sight

I stand transfigured, glorified aright.'

(Sonnet No. X). Sonnets from the Portuguese

_________________________________________________________________

My beloved Sanskaar,

It is hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen but it is even harder to give up especially when it is everything you ever wanted!

That was exactly what it was for me, waiting for you - for you to forgive me, for you to accept my love, for you to make that choice between me and Kavita - all the while wanting you. And today, I am penning this letter with your ring on my finger.

So much has happened in the last few days. The first time you took me in your arms and you hugged me hard, it was like all the broken pieces of me came together, and I was whole again. You were crushing me to yourself, and I buried my ears into the roar of your heartbeat - in a matter of seconds, I fell in love again with the way all my fears fell softly and suddenly asleep in your chest.

I felt loved and ...safe.

Yes - safe - not a very romantic emotion, I know, but the right one for me. With your arms around me I feel safe, warm and loved.

When we got engaged to be married, it was like the entire universe had been gifted to me. Now, it is like I have finally come home and nothing, believe me, nothing frightens me anymore. With you, I can take on the whole world.

You must now be thinking, "Wow, this girl says all this and yet when I tell her that Kavita is behind these inexplicable events happening with us, she does not even let me complete my sentences."

I know I am being contradictory but I shall try to explain my fears. When I said that you are obsessed with Kavita, I knew you would be hurt thinking that I did not trust you, your vehement protests were laced with pain. It is not that I do not trust you or am unable to accept the validity of your suspicions, it is that deep down, I do not want it to be true.

When Kavita walked out of our lives, it was an act of courage; if your suspicions are correct, it would be an act of deception. And, however prepared you could be for such deception, even when the truth would only be what you had expected, it would hurt.

I want to spare you that pain, the pain of betrayal, especially when it is done under the guise of friendship and sacrifice. I know how that pain is, I have had it inflicted on me, cruelly tossed to the cold waters and left to die. It is a pain that leaves you numb and angry.

But shielding you from pain is a lesser concern, I am afraid for you. I know how you love, Sanskaar. You love with a blazing fire, an all-consuming passion. And woes betide the person attempting, nay, even thinking of harming me, you would unleash a savage hell on them.

And now can you understand what makes me afraid?

Because if you are right, you would annihilate Kavita, notwithstanding the fact that you once loved her and that frightens me; which is why I keep insisting that Urvashi maasi is the one responsible, hoping and praying for this to be true, that she and she alone is the one behind all these strange and inexplicable events. It is not that you would forgive her for harming me either, it is just that you would hurt her less, as she would have to face only your anger and not your wrath.

It is this fear that makes me parrot the statement that you are obsessed with Kavita; not because I believe you still harbour any love for her.

Arriverderci,

Swara

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Notes:

'You were crushing....fell asleep.' -this line is a modified extract of a piece of writing by Christopher Poindexter.

A/N- And for those who still remember, the serial went along in its own merry march, losing viewership as the events kept unfolding. What was unforgiveable was the way, Swara insisted on doing everything alone, single-handedly and ended up sentenced to life imprisonment (I loved the fast track court trials in this serial - all done in a matter of three to four days).

But this inspired me for the last and final letter, too.

Thank you for reading and as usual, all feedback, good and bad, is welcome.