ASUNDER (I) : tmr newt

52: I'm Barely Paying Attention

52 Ella

"I tried to bring in another flower chain, but they said you might be plant-sick."

I smile as Zart sits down next to the bed. He wears clothing I've never seen before, and I am surprised I noticed. The world feels clear. I am surprised I noticed anything.

"It's very late," the sun has long since set, and I've been waiting for him to come all day.

He nods slowly, even if sadly. "A lot of track-hoes were helping the Builders today."

I heard the crash late last night. Michelle must be upset. Of course I can see why; all her hard work toppled over and fell to the ground. I haven't seen her through the window today.

"How is it out there?" I stare outside, looking into the night. All I can see is an abyss of darkness. Either the smoke man has taken over, or it is so late there are no lanterns even lit. I don't think I quite understand it anyway. He has been gone for too long, and so has the violet girl. I am very lonely in a head with only my voice.

"We're trying to hold up without you," he calls over my shoulder, "although it isn't the same with you here. I can't say I'm surprised though. The Glade has less colour without you."

How odd.

I recognise skin but I know no soul. Glimpses glitter in the corners of my eyes when I see the colour the smoke man so desperately tries to hide. It's not as difficult as remembering, since I only have to wonder. The difficulty in dissecting who anyone is.

Zart hides behind a grimy layer of dirt. It cakes on his face, and I am surprised his turquoise colour manages to grow through the filth. Before all this, who was he? Will he ever know? Will we ever know what we have become? Does it even matter who we once were?

"It's been different since you four came," he remarks.

"How?"

He scoffs, looking down at his feet. "Brighter? Maybe happier?"

I'm not happy. Every single inch of my face tingles with the absence of a smile. Have I ever smiled?

Before all this, she smiled at me. I must've smiled back. I don't remember what it feels like for the muscles in my face to move, but I know there is no universe where I would want to live without smiling back.

For she is radiant and I am a mirror.

"Well, at least it's more entertaining," he finally settles on that idea, the bed creaking under his shifting thoughts.

"Who is there to watch?" I ask, though I know the answer.

Even the bugs can hear us. I wonder if there was a time before I was being absorbed. They must be doing something. Why else would we be here?

What do I remember?

The violet girl and the smoke man are the strongest. The two are infinitely apart but completely intertwined. He was there, his white pen and his gridded glasses, taking notes and hurting me in ways I either don't remember or chose to forget. Destroying me for what I am, he is not a monster. He is a computer. She was there, which is all I can tell you. Once there now gone, she was the air I breathed in a room that swallowed me whole.

Then there is the hallway. We were running. I had left her behind, or she had left me long ago. Both and neither are not just possible, they are correct. There was red holding me up as I tried to fall, and lock picking and scuffling. What we were doing was wrong. Although I don't know what.

"You still there Curly?" I like that he calls me by a fake name. It's more real than the one I've been assigned. More tangible in a way, since it's as if it was actually mine. Even though all the names I've had were given to me, one was stolen.

I want it back.

"Maybe," I feel okay. I guess foggy is a better word. As if in my self-deprecation I let him sneak up on me again and surround me in his choking grey. The smoke man has been gone for a while, and only just now did I realise he hasn't been gone.

He is very angry at our coalition, that much I am sure. He is going to get revenge and I cannot stop him. There is no apology that can come from a mouth which has forgotten. At least not one that I can say in words in this language. Perhaps in any language I am silenced.

"Do I need to get Clint?" Zart is already on his feet moving towards the door.

I stand up to follow him, but I can feel the weight of my knees. They seem to feel like boulders against my body. As if I am being dragged down for all the terrible things I've done.

A pit rises in my stomach, as I remember I've done wrong, but not onto who. I am the Great Betrayer. Left behind are the ones I've loved; it was my job to remember after all. That was my part of the deal.

She wo the one who dragged me. I knew that she was a traitor to them. It's why I followed her. It wasn't her idea though. Nothing has happened by accident. Not my involvement, not my showing up here, none of it. It's my job to know what is happening.

I was supposed to be part of the four, but I refused to do my part. Why can't I remember?

It's because of him. I knew him, I was supposed to take the place of her, but I wouldn't cooperate. Not when I was forced to give up a name I once loved. After all of that, how could they think I would co-operate? Why would they wonder why I was here?

I throw them off. They didn't think I'd ever get the courage to get rid of them, but I did. Maybe they'll have to wipe and reset now. Such hard work to waste.

It doesn't matter. I could've done it better.

"There are eleven days," I tell Zart, not waiting for him to catch up. "Eleven days before it gets much worse."

~~~~

Don't worry, there is more coming soon. Re-editing this made me completely change an entire sub-plot, so be ready!

I'll see you soon in Leo and Bravery