Married to a Monster

Eighteen

Waking up felt better than it had in a while. Warm sunlight peeked through the windows and you felt it kissing your skin as you pulled the soft comforter tighter around you. The moment you breathed in, the scent made you open your eyes.

Kai.

It was the scent of him.

With your eyes open, you tried using your hand to shield your face from the sunlight as you looked at your circumstances.

You were tucked into Kai's side as he had a hand wrapped tightly around your waist while you laid on your back.

Turning your head towards his face, you watched his gentle sleeping face. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes were closed but even so, you could still see the darkness around them. He was looking healthier every day, but you could still see the stress.

Reaching toward him, your hand trembled. When you brushed your fingertips against his warm cheek, you sighed. He was so beautiful even sleeping.

It was strange how the years could go by and everything felt so different but yet like it hadn't changed at all.

As if this full grown man was the same one who held you when you were afraid of the rain or the times when you just didn't want to be alone. The same boy who had loved you when you didn't even realize it.

You pressed your hand against his cheek and rubbed gently hoping to bring some peace to him while he slept but when he spoke, you jumped away and took your hand with you.

"How long have you been awake?" he asked as his eyes fluttered open and he grabbed your hand and placed it back on his cheek.

Looking into his eyes made everything inside you feel like it was lit on fire. "Not long. How long have you been awake?"

Kai smiled. A genuine smile that made your heart soar. "A while. I was afraid that the moment I showed that I as awake, you might leave," he answered honestly.

"I'm comfortable and I slept better than I have in a long time," you whispered as your fingers trailed over his cheek.

Instinctively, Kai pulled you closed into himself and he breathed deeply. "I'm really sorry."

"Kai-"

"No, don't. I'm sorry I screwed everything up. This is how every morning could have been and the thought of that makes me happy because I feel so good right now. I made a stupid mistake in forsaking you."

Sighing, you turned towards him and meet his eyes once again. "Let's just move forward from here."

While you had said it you also knew that moving forward was hard. It was hard to look at Kai and not see the pain he had gone through when he had lost Hani. Just as you knew it was hard for Kai to look at you and see what he had done to you mentally.

But it was over.

Hani's death had been long ago and while the scars remained, it no longer hurt so bad.

And mentally, you were getting better every day. It had been a long time since you had last self-inflicted somewhere nearing around three years and while you had occasionally felt the depression creeping back, having Kai at your side helped.

Now it was just about figuring out what you wanted and while it felt impossible, you knew you couldn't keep going on the way you had.

Maybe it would be easier to move on from both men and figure out your feelings later in life – but there were two problems with that.

One, you couldn't expect them to wait for you and you knew you would only ever love them.

Two, after losing Hani to her battle with cancer you learned that there is no guarantee on tomorrow. If you died today you would regret not having spent your final days with the one you loved.