Journal

Ramblings: Part One

So, I don't know how shocking this revelation is going to be or not, but I've never kept a journal. I know, I know what kind of a writer has never kept a journal... well, me for starters. Of course with that being said, I've kind of decided that this blog is going to be sort of like my own personal journal. The place where I go to just get all of the crap cluttering my mind out.

I know that a journal would be the perfect place to do that, but I feel like people could maybe benefit from some of the things that I have to say or maybe someone is going through a similar situation in their life and reading this will some how help them. You know, sometimes just knowing that you're not alone can make a big difference.

Honestly, I really want this to be a safe place where I, and you, can sit back and talk about anything and everything. I don't know about you, but I feel like I have a lot to say about life and don't really know how to say what I want to say sometimes, so I'm hoping that something like this will help me get my thoughts out of my head.

I feel like this will be a nice place to sit back and talk to about all of the things I have running through my head. My mom was the person that I went to when I wanted to talk about something, but now that she's gone I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.

I've been holding all of my thoughts and feelings in for so long now that I just have to get them out. I know that this sounds pathetic and stupid that I'm turning to a blog for some kind of human compassion, but I really don't have anyone else. I'm surrounded by people and I feel so alone. That isn't something that I'm used to feeling and I don't really know how to talk to the people around me about how I'm feeling.

My brother - the one that I live with, we'll call him Jake, has his own emotional baggage that weighs him down so much that I don't want to bother him with my problems. My sister-in-law, we'll call her Kelly, well honestly while I appreciate everything that she's done for me and my brother and while I get along with her alright, I don't really trust her enough to talk to her about anything important. She's let me down one too many times. And their kids, Iris and Nate, are young and honestly really annoying so I definitely don't want to talk to them. So here I am, turning to the internet just like all healthy people do.

Anyway, I had a point to all of this... but now I can't remember. To be fair I have a lot on my mind right now as I've just had a death in the family. I know that a lot of people won't understand why I'm so upset, but if there's one thing that you should know about my family, it's that we are all very close... even when it's my cousin's husband's mother who just passed, we all feel that loss. Biologically, she may be my cousin, but to me she is my sister and her husband is my brother-in-law and I care about them very much. I have very fond memories of his mother and am so thankful that I got the chance to get to know her. Her loss is heartbreaking and feels almost as if I've lost a second mother.

Losing her has brought back some tough emotions that I was barely able to handle after my mom passed and this time I just don't know how to handle them. Maybe that's why I started this blog. Actually the only reason that I'm doing this is because a friend suggested it. She actually suggested it a while back, but I never really thought about it until now.

I would keep an actual journal, but the people that I live with don't have any respect for privacy. They go into my room whenever they please and go trough my things. It is one of the many things that I hate about living with the people that I live with. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death. They're my family, but they don't make very good roommates for so many reasons that I'm sure you will learn about soon enough. I won't get into that now though because I could probably write an entire novel about it and I just don't have the time or the patience right now.

I'm going to tell you right now that this kind of writing is hard for me to do. I'm not used to writing about myself, but I do hope that the more I do it, the better I will be at it and the easier it will become. I also want you to know that I don't live a very exciting life and spend most of my time alone... well as alone as I can be in a house of five people and four animals. However, those are things that I am trying to work on. I want to be more adventurous and do more than sit at home and go to work. I want to live instead of just survive.

Anyway, I hope that you stick around to get to know me better and maybe you will be able to relate to some of the things I'm feeling or situations I'm in or anything really.

Well, I think that this might be enough rambling for now. Until next time.

Wait! I forgot to mention that none of the stuff that I'm posting is going to be proofread or edited. I'm doing this from my phone, so if you see any mistakes or have anything to say just let me know and I will try to address it as soon as possible.

-Z