They Refused to Look

Tic Toc

'....no don't'I snap awake shaking off the last of the nightmare. I take a few deep breaths trying to calm myself, that was the worst one I had in a while, the blurred scenes cling to my subconscious.

It's been so long I was starting to feel like I was free, but no, it's never that easy. There's always something that triggers the worst nightmares, problem is I have no idea what. They always come when everything in my day life have been calm, I finally start to break free of the pits and then the nightmares and I'm dragged right back in.

A vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. They're always random, and for some reason allude to something sinister in the horizon.

" I try so hard to live but not leave my mark, I try to keep quiet but still seem engaged,"

I hate them.

I can't do it anymore. The fake smiles, the comments.

Anything. Everything.

The walls are closing in. I can't move, I have to get rid of the pain.

I glance at the clock 5:30. Half an hour till they wake up and I lose my chance.

No more. I'm done. I'm through with all of this. I don't care anymore. I'm doing something that I want to do.

Tick tock

Without any time for any distractions, I make my way into the bathroom.

Tick tock

I feel time winding down as my hand encloses onto my salvation.

Tick tock

I bring it down onto my wrist, and press and slice.

It hurts, but my mind is off my other pain.

Tick tock

I keep slicing. I can't stop, won't stop. I refuse to live this life where I'm just surviving.

Tick tock

I don't know how much time has passed. And everything is starting to get hazy.

Tick tock

Everything slows. I'm floating, in a sea of darkness, no light in sight.

I feel at peace. No worries, no comments, no nothing. It's perfect.

Tick tock

I don't know the time. I don't know how they reacted, but if this is my afterlife I welcome it dearly.

I'm finally calm.

Beep beep

Until the beeping starts.

Beep beep

It's constant and it's not going away.

Beep beep

I groan in annoyance, and my eyes crack open.

Beep beep

Everything I did, comes rushing back.

Beep beep

I took the plunge.

One thing I never thought I would do and I did it.

Beep beep

I let out a shaky breath as I crack on the inside.

Feeling an unknown emotion, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I did something unforgivable.

Beep beep

Everything is crumbling down. They know now, it's going to get worse, and they'll think they had nothing to do with it, when it was always them.

Beep beep Beep beep

The beeping gets faster as I start to panic more.

I can't stop. Before I could handle it cause they didn't know, no one knew my true thoughts. Now it's going to be pity, hatred and constant pestering.

Beep beep Beep beep Beep beep

I'm in a haze again, I can't breathe and people  come rushing into the room before I darkness claims me.

But unlike before there is no peace. 

Just a place of pitch black despair.