They Refused to Look

Reality

I shake myself awake and look around my dark room.

The remnants of my dream still fresh in my mind. I glance at the clock 5:30 same time, just different reality.

What was that?

The only question I can form, it felt so real and I was so sure that it happened. I can still feel a faint twinge if pain in my arms.

I grab my phone and use the light to look at my arms.

Clean.

Not a single mark on them, it was a dream, a dream where I don't know what it means.

How could I?

No dream has ever felt that real before, I still feel so broken inside, I still have the lingering feeling of emptiness. The feeling of everything in my being just shattering, obliterated into nothing.

Who am I?

I don't know, if my dreams are that real than what is the point? If my subconscious is telling me, sending clear messages, then what the hell is next?

Do I take the plunge? Or keep living?

I reach for an answer but all I get back is silence.

Emptiness.

I can't feel anything, every part of my person is just numb.

Life as I known just changed with that one simple dream. A dream that was anything but simple.

My thoughts aren't still, but I can't slow them down to get a single coherent one through.

Each one flying just out of reach, gone before clearly being understood.

Emotions.

My emotions are just nonexistent at this point. They're there, but I can't feel one from the other, I can't decipher what I'm feeling.

I feel like I just jumped into a new reality. Why would I dream of that?

What could have possibly triggered that moment of weakness, to go that far, to break a reality that I feel safe in for another that would bring unprecedented consequences.

I don't know.

I just don't and sitting here isn't going to help me figure it out.

But what will?

I can't go asking certain questions in fear of being caught. No one I know is going to know exactly what I'm going through, and asking it online would be to general.

I could start a dream journal, but where would I hide it, and what would I do if it was found?

But it would be nice to have, I could find a pattern and it may help with the dreams and what to expect.

It was only one dream though. Maybe if it happened more often I would worry about it but until then I'll meander my way through and just see what I can gather from the library.

6:00

Time to get up and ready for the day, almost two hours of sleep, best I had all week.

I stretch before getting up, ready to face a new day, with different outcomes.

And a new reality, where everything seems to be changing but staying the exact same all in the same moment.