I swear I won't let this kill me, (but it's cutting it pretty close.)

Hello.

Yeah, I made a meme for this.
                                                       I'm not sorry.

    Hello, new person. Or maybe, perhaps, you're not new. Maybe an old friend, or maybe someone who stumbled upon this. Either way; hello.

You're going to be taking a peek into my mind, but you won't see too much. My therapist says I have an issue with letting people in. Either way too much or not at all. I'm either a wet paper bag or a diamond box spray painted black. What does she know, huh?
(Actually, a lot. She's a trained specialist and I'm just a defensive asshole.)

The thing with letting people in though, is that there are so many things that can go wrong. I know from experience.
They can peek into you and they can not like what they see.
They can be using you.
They could have ulterior motives in getting close to you.
They could lose interest.
They could have never had it in the first place.

Now listen, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know which of those a person is currently doing or will do. Simply put, I know it will be one of them.

Or maybe not. Maybe you found a holy grail. Or maybe I just attract toxic people. (My therapist thinks so.
I agree.)
It's so hard to let people in when you've never had a healthy relationship.
I don't even know what one looks like.

You know how it is. Same old sob story. Child of divorce, toxic parents, toxic family, bounced around, no friends, all bad relationships.
Shit blows.
I also have Generalized anxiety disorder, Major depressive disorder, and PTSD.
Which also blows.

I've only seen my therapist once so far. She said she has other diagnoses to give me once we go more in depth. She seems nice. I told her that I wanted to die.

No, not that bluntly. I'm not aiming to get hospitalized, and I'm not stupid. I told her I felt like I was waiting around to kill myself. That I don't want to die, but I do, and I feel like I should have done it a long time ago. But I didn't. So it's just another thing I let myself down about. Like dropping out of school, not taking better care of my dog before she passed, staying in toxic relationships. It was just another thing I failed to do, and that eventually I'm going to get the balls to do it. Maybe that'll never happen. It's just hard waking up every day and wondering when they'll all push you just too far.

Having major depressive disorder.. well, let me just say, my depression has been with me as long as I can remember. I didn't seek help for other reasons (I'm sure we'll go over that in some later chapter), and that just let it spiral. It's been the big bad monster in the back of my soul for most of my entire life. It's a deep rooted monster that takes up most of who I am now. It's a deep rooted monster that's taken up all of who I was. It leeches you, ya know? It's like going through life and all the color drains away. Then you're left living in black and white and nothing interests you any more.
So, accurately and most truthfully:
Shit. Blows.

I'm not too sure why I'm writing this. Maybe as some type of relief? Maybe some type of validation? Maybe to see how many times I can say maybe in one sitting? Fuck if I know.

Do you know how much it sucks to be told to "apply yourself" and "get over it"? That's the worst part about being intelligent and also being mentally ill. They don't understand how you can still be you and still be broken at the same time. They don't comprehend it because they don't know. Even people who say they've had depression tell me to get over it, that you've got to fight and push through. "You millennials need to get your lives together, get a job, go outside, get over it, drink water, fight it and you'll be fine."
Well, fuck, Janet, thank you for your life changing advice!
Not like I haven't been fighting this my entire life or anything!
(Ps. Janet, you fucking suck.)

The issue with other people is that they can't understand. They can't picture a color they haven't seen or imagine a sound they've never heard. They wouldn't try anyways.

That doesn't invalidate those who are mentally ill. It just doesn't. We just need to surround ourselves with less Janet's.
And maybe some Chipotle.
And maaaaybe a kitten or two.
You ever see someone be sad holding a kitten?
No?
That's what I thought.

Alright, that's enough for now.
I hope this was at least entertaining to someone.
Or helpful to another.

If you feel how I feel, please know that you aren't alone. Death isn't the answer. Truthfully, I don't know the answer. But if you need a friend, my messages are open.

Hang tough little birds. I'll be back with another one of these little things soon enough.

-jes