I Puke Rainbows & Other Gross Stuff

the answer to "why don't you just quit?"

"Kung ayaw mo na, bakit hindi ka na lang mag-quit?" People would ask her this question whenever she rants, whenever she tells them that she really feels awful with her situation.

"Hindi mo ba alam ang pinasok mo?" was there usual follow-up question. She knew perfectly that this is not the perfect place for her to find happiness and contentment, but this is where she placed herself— no, scratch that— she believes that it was fate that lead her here.

This was never a part of her option anyway. She just didn't have so much choice. She wanted to believe that being here is The Supreme Being's plan and not really hers because if it was her plan and she has all the means to accomplish that plan before, she might probably be called a legit artist, an actress or a writer right now.

Oh, how she wanted to quit and she would do it— only if it's an easy thing to do without affecting everything and everyone in her life.

Life had taught her that part of adulting is not being selfish. Chasing her wants would mean sacrificing a lot and some aspects and people in her life would suffer if she has chosen the road less travelled. Only if she has the means to be able to take the risk, she would do it. But taking the risk now would bring her back to square one and the success rate is as low as 0 percent.

Oh, only if she's got the talent and luck, she would be confident to earn that big break when she takes the risk. But no, her confidence is so low as she sees the impossibility of her passion goals. It's not pessimism— it's just being realistic.

Adulting means being more realistic and not too idealistic. She has dreamt lots of things when she was younger and now, when people would ask her what she wanted to be, she isn't really sure anymore as her mind is now clouded. She felt like someone trying to be a surfer who tried surfing and defying the big waves but ended up drowning in the sea of dreams and chaotic thoughts anyway. Now, the dreams nearly perished and the only thing that she really wanted to happen was for her to survive and stay alive in this game of life.

Maybe someday she would have enough funds for her passion. Maybe someday she could already clear her head and know exactly what she wanted to do. Maybe someday, she could be a risk-taker and defy everything to achieve what she dreamt of, x years ago. Maybe someday— but certainly not today.

In her perspective, life is not really always about quitting when you felt the urge to quit. It's about weighing things and knowing which ones are the most important. It's not always about what you "want" which is important because the "needs" must come first. Quitting really is easier said than done.

04.01.18