Stronger Than Us Both

May

●Dean●

When I got back from New York, I locked myself in my room more than usual. I completely isolated myself, to my parents' dismay, who thought I was doing better. Better wasn't the word I would use after what happened with Blake. The only time I left my room was to go to school, something I had to do with just two weeks before high school was over. That was the one bright spot: knowing I could close this chapter of my life and start over in Northam.

•••

I threw my bag down beside my bed, one hundred percent ready to take a nap before I realized what day it was. Sam was still at baseball practice, and I felt bad because I hadn't wished him a happy birthday yet. I decided to wait until he got home in about an hour; until then, I got out his presents and put them on his bed. I never got around to wrapping them, so there was just a leather-bound journal and an expansion deck for Cards Against Humanity on my brother's neatly made bedspread.

Unusually motivated, I went to Jo's room instead of my own to talk.

"Hey, Dee." She marked her place in her book, patting the space beside her.

I happily laid down on my stomach, my chin resting on my crossed arms as I let out a long breath. "It's been a while since I've heard that one. You and Sam haven't called me Dee since we were kids. You know, after you stopped hating me and actually thought of me as a brother."

Jo ran her fingers through my hair. "Do you ever wish we could go back to those times when our biggest problem was dealing with each other?"

"Yes, sometimes." I shrugged. "On the bad days, I wish I could go back and redo everything. I wish I could enjoy more of our childhood. I wish I could spend more time with you guys instead of going to the dorms. I wish I could stop Cas. I wish I could stop myself from dragging him into my life. Sometimes I wish I could stop John from bringing me to Glen Rock, bring Sam here and keep me." I closed my eyes, suddenly aware that I was actually saying all of this aloud.

"I didn't mean go back to change things." I looked at her, wanting her to go on. "If you did, you wouldn't be Dean, just someone who looks like him. Changing things would change who you are."

"But Cas would be alive." Maybe Cas would've been happy with someone else in Glen Rock like Harrison had I never stepped into his life.

"Dean." The way she said my name made me nervous. I felt like I was in trouble. Maybe I was. "You can't do anything to change what happened, so when are you going to try to start living again? You were doing so much better, then you stopped talking to everyone." Her eyebrows furrowed together in concern. "Why are you pushing us all away? That's not going to help; it's not going to change anything or bring Cas back. All you're going to do is lose more people, so why are you doing this?"

I sat up, choosing to face this and my sister rather than run away like I usually did. "Because I feel so fucking guilty."

"Is this about Blake?" When I didn't answer, Jo let out an exasperated groan. Then, she walked out of her room, coming back just a few seconds later with a pissed off expression. "You don't seem to want to listen when everyone does this the easy way, so here. Let's try it like this." Jo crossed her arms over her chest. "Cas is gone. You two aren't dating. Even before he died, you broke up with him. You two both made your choices, and now you need to own up to yours. You keep making decisions and sweeping the consequences under the rug, but you can't do that anymore. You can't just stop talking to everyone in the hopes that your problems will go away. You need to face this, Dean. You need to face Cas's death."

I stood so I was facing my sister. "What do you think I'm doing?"

"I think you're trying to ignore it. I think you're trying to pretend that he's still alive because it seems impossible to think otherwise. But you're never going to move on like this."