Super Smash Mobs (Mineplex)

SSM KITS FOR NOOBS

Okay, pretty much every kit is used by noobs. Not saying everyone who uses that kit is a noob. Just saying that some people are. This is what I think about each kit:

Skeleton: If you're new to the game, you might start off as skeleton, seeing as it's the default kit. Although, it seems like all the try-hards use this kit. Skeleton has pretty good attacks, for being a free kit, which makes it the ideal kit for cheap people.

Iron Golem: This is for the people who lose a fight and say that it's because their armor isn't good enough. And then 90% of the time, they still die.

Spider: Now, is there some sort of buff I don't know about for spiders? Or is it just that they haven't fixed the reach glitch yet, or maybe the people are just hackers? I don't know, but whatever's going on, it needs to stop.

Slime: I used to like slime. But now I hate it. Slime is for 9 year olds with the slime wearing a hoodie Minecraft skin who think they're tough shit when they're not because all they do is slime rocket the crap outta people.

Enderman: I'm sure everyone wishes that block toss has a five minute cooldown. It takes away 2-4 hearts, the punch is crazy, and it's just a really good kit for you if you're a 7 year old who can only win by not making direct contact with people.

Sky Squid: Probably named for SkyDoesMinecraft, who I hate. But that's beside the point. Squid is honestly a trash kit. I know it's the cheapest kit right after the free kits, but still. No one even wants to be squid. And the few people who are squid are stupid and annoying.

Creeper: Creeper's the best kit if you wanna be cheap and kill people as fast possible. No PVP required, but maybe a sulfur bomb or two. If you do it right, your target should be blasted far from the island, with no chance of getting back up.

Wolf: This is the kit for people who are slow as hell and trash at PVP. Because they know damn well that they can't kill anyone without trapping them with cub tackle or using that speed buff to their advantage.

Snowman: Snowman's just as bad as the sky squid. They have two trash attacks. One is building stairs... Wtf... And the other is one that's just perfect for noobs. Spamming snowballs, and it makes people fall if they're trying to jump across an island to kill a snowman. Also, they can't hide anywhere. They have a snow trail.

Magma cube: This kit isn't good for anything except for having a small hitbox so that you're basically invincible until you kill someone. Let's face it- both of the magma's attacks are trash. If you suck at PVP, no one can hit you, so... Be a magma cube, noob!

Witch: Bats. Those fucking bats, man. They need to go. Because I've had it with them. If you can barely lift your sword, then you can get innocent animals to kill people for you... Cuz you're too pathetic to do it yourself.

Wither Skeleton: The skull has like, a 3% chance of actually hitting people. If you suck at PVP, you're gonna die in a minute if you use this. Not even your duplicate can help you, because most people aren't stupid enough to try to kill it.

Cow: Cow can barely do anything. The few people who are cow lose the games. If you win with cow, you're cheating, or you just got a lot of lucky hits or cleanup kills. So basically, an unlegit win unless you're good at PVP. And you're not.

Zombie: Last time I checked, zombies weren't known for being fast and being able to shoot bows. Unfortunately, people use this to their advantage- they run and bow spam you for the whole game. Sometimes they use other attacks. But they rarely use attack itself.

Skeletal Horse: Shout out to Shilo79, who hasn't figured out that skeletal horse has no ranged attacks. Yet they still camp, because they're a noob. If you know damn well you can't win a game without camping, this is the worst kit you could choose. Don't be stupid like Shilo79.

Pig: No one likes pig, except for the people who actually use it. Pig is for complete noobs. You right click, and that's it. That porkchop spamming is annoying. Letting your kids spontaneously combust to win a game is just cruel. Don't deny it, you pig.

Blaze: Another kit with bad attacks. Inferno doesn't even work on other blazes. If you like turning people into ash with your "mad spamming skills," then you should be blaze.

Chicken: Chickens are notorious for being too chicken-shit to go and fight. (No pun intended.) It also doesn't help that their hitboxes are like 2 millimeters cubed. All they do is fly around you and kill you with their kids.

Guardian: Honestly, why even put this kit in? The attacks are so bad and they are so easy to kill. Like a few other kits here, there's absolutely nothing good about them.

Sheep: Sheep can't PVP for the life of them. That's why they always camp and shoot static laser or throw bombs at people. If your left mouse button is broken, be a sheep! Even if you don't move from that tree for the entire game, you can still win. It's just that you fight like a loser and your win is illegitimate.

Villager: The kit that everyone forgets about. At first, I thought that they just moved the game amplifier. People were excited about this kit for three days and then they gave up on it. It's not as dumb as sheep, but it still isn't close to being a good enough reward for doing all the achivements.

And there you have it. A lot of the stuff in here is not even fucking true at all, except for the part about wolf and chicken. And then everything else does have a little truth to it, but it's mostly just some bullshit I made up for fun. Everything was just a joke for the most part so don't get upset.

Edit: Most of these kits have been changed since I wrote this. For one thing, people understand villager now, squid's ink shotgun does more damage and more knockback, the wither's skull has more chance of hitting people, and cow and guardian are OP as fuck.

Although some of my descriptions are less accurate now due to Mineplex's changes, I refuse to go back and change what I wrote because fuck that shit.