Amputate (Gawsten)

3: Small 'Steps'

You know that feeling when your heart seems to be uncontrollable, like it won't stop racing until all the blood is dried out? That's what I'm feeling right now looking at Awsten. I've only met him once but there's just something about him that I can't quite get over.
I did after all decide it was a good idea to fall and swim through his ocean eyes.

I wheel into the cafeteria aching with nervousness, a billion butterflies nesting into my stomach.

I make my way to his table and contemplate how to confront him. There's so many wrong things to be said and probably a lot of right things too I just can't seem to ever think of any.  I can't just sit next to him there are chairs blocking my way. His wheelchair takes up an entire side of the square table.
I think I've got it bad he's lost his speech and ability to walk. His legs are still there though maybe he'll walk again one day. Hopefully he will.
Maybe I shouldn't say anything at all. He's reading something with as much concentration as possible well at least he was.
He notices me and slams the book shut.

"I-I'm sorry." I apologize I didn't want to interrupt him like that. . . definitely the wrong thing to do.
He attempts to hide the title of the book from me but I get a glance anyways.
'ABC's baby's first words'

"I can go if you want to be alone" I offer and he shakes his head implying I can stay.

That's relieving, I can't tell if the butterflies are dying or multiplying now.

A little nervousness is good for me. Especially if I can talk to the boy with the broken eyes.

"You won't be hurting my feelings if you want some alone time don't worry. I'm just down here for some Fritos."

He scribbles something on his notebook that I hadn't even noticed moments before.

Stay

The butterflies are definitely multiplying laying eggs that are hatching into tiny little caterpillars.

He looks at my wheelchair and then the reason I'm in one. I can tell the question on his mind.
Everyone's question.
At one point it was even my question.
A stupid question that now controls my life and all the grief in it.

"What happened to my legs?" I ask the question for him. He nods.

I must of had a pretty depressing look on my face because he gave me a pretty apologetic and sad one in return. Usually I can tell the story just fine I always give myself that talk in my head that you can't change what happened.
That it is how it is.

Why is it any different for this purple headed boy? It's not like I've known him for that long.

His sad facial expression is too much.
"You're fine! Don't worry about it seriously, it's just hard to say sometimes you know?" I sigh and he nods in agreement.
He can't even tell me his story if he tried.

"A semi flipped over on my car in an intersection, everything was somehow fine but my legs. Who would've guessed 40 tons of metal wouldn't be good for you?" Sarcasm is definitely the best way of saying those words I've been able to say it but only like that. Any other way would seem too real.

I keep hoping I'll wake up and it'll be a dream, but I don't. And I never will.

I can't read Awstens emotions he seems to be good at masking them. He writes something down on the notebook next to the stay from earlier.

I'm sorry

"It's okay. I'm sorry for whatever happened to you too." I sigh wondering how this beautiful boy got here. Why he of all people had to be hurt like this, however he was hurt. "You don't need to try to explain."

"No one in here is completely happy, maybe they can be just a little. For small amounts of time. But in reality we're all just in pain. We all just want our old lives back."

Again he nods.
But this time he sighs.

A little hint of what his voice sounds like. Truly beautiful.

And then it's 6. Two hours turned into what felt like seven minutes. Breakfast is beginning to be sold and the insaneness of everyone's morning starts. Awsten soon disappears within all the madness.
Soon I do to.
Back to therapy.
Back to trying to train plastic to do the impossible. . . Walk.