AKA Prose

Shards

I didn't expect this day to hit me this hard. I didn't expect the month of May to hit me with this truck of emotions. The memories flood my mind, try as I might to tame them. My eyes feel as though they may never dry. While dramatic, I've been on the verge of tears all week. The pain in my heart is back in full force. The desire to curl up and die is far more present than it's been in months. My words are stuck in the back of my throat, and I stutter with most of my sentences. I just want to sleep through the rest of the month. When I saw her behind the wheel cigarette in hand everything stopped. I sat there frozen staring at her as she angrily looked for oncoming traffic, over and over again. Yet she never glanced my way. I knew it was her the second I saw her car. I just sat and stared and I started shaking. Their was no gap in traffic for the vehicle I was in either. We sat there. For what felt like hours. My eyes fixated my brain nothing but a silent scream. I still feel so hurt. I've been asked if I'm angry with her. But I'm not. I'm just sad and I hurt and I'm tired of it.
I was never good enough for her. I could never make her happy. No matter what I tried. There's this guilt that clings to me. That I made her crazy. That I turned her into the monster she became. If I could have just been a better daughter. If I had bowed my head instead of trying to reason with her. 
My  memories drown me in the pain of her. Everything keeps rushing back.
Happy fucking mother's day to me.
I think the worst part was getting through almost the entire day until the evening news decided to show a special about all the kids who have to parent their siblings and they end up with loving grandparents. Far to many bells rang true.