Warmth

Chapter Ten

He heard loud banging on the door behind him.  L turned around to see a frantic-looking Matsuda trying to call out to him.  He rolled down his sleeves and put away his lighter, walking over to the door.  He opened it and stepped in, shivering as he realised how cold he was.

"L, you're soaking wet!  Why were you sitting out in the rain?!" Matsuda asked, concerned.  Light would have sounded just like that...

"I like the storm," L replied flatly.  "Now, why are you pestering me?"

"I just wanted you to know that something is really wrong with Light--"

"So?"

"So, Light stopped breathing and blacked out.  The ambulance is taking him to the hospital.  We're all going, too.  Are you coming?"

"No."

"But--"

"No 'buts.'  I don't care what happens to Light."

"You can't possibly mean that."

"Can and do."

With that, L went back outside, locking the door behind him.  He went back to sitting and staring blankly out at the downpour.  His heart hurt more than ever now.  He'd thought that after the Numbness set in, he wouldn't be able to feel anything, but the thought of Light dying felt like a knife striking through his chest and twisting.

I don't want him gone forever.  I couldn't possibly live without him.  No matter how many times I tell him to go away, I'd never be able to handle him being gone.  Please be okay, Light.  Please, please, please...

***

Light had been transfered to the hospital and was hooked up to various machines.  A new day soon dawned on the team, this one every bit as gloomy and rainy as the day before.  The day had been uneventful for everyone; Light had remained unresponsive.  Then, at around seven o'clock that evening, everything changed.

It's so loud, Light thought.  I thought I was over.  Why am I still alive?  Damn, it's bright in here!  And why won't they be quiet?  And what is with that incessant beeping?!  Where am I...?

"Light?"  It was his father.  He actually sounded genuinely concerned.

"Nh," Light responded.

"Oh, thank God you're alive!"

"You sound relieved," Light commented bitterly.

"Of course I am!  Why wouldn't I be relieved that my son is alive?"

"Because," Light began as a tear made its way down his cheek, "you hate me.  You don't love me; you couldn't care less about me!"

"Light!  How could you even think that?!"

"Because I'm gay!  You don't want any gay kids.  They don't belong in your family.  You said so yourself."

"Light..."

"All I wanted," Light began with a broken sob, "was to be everything you wanted.  I wanted to be your perfect son.  I wanted to be someone you would love and be proud of.  But when I was twelve, I realised I was gay, and everything crumbled.  I kept it a secret from you because I knew you'd hate me if you found out.  I hated myself for it.  I worked so, so hard to be everything you could ever want in a son, but I just couldn't do it.  I just can't do it, Dad.  I started cutting because I felt like I deserved it.  I deserved the pain because I wasn't perfect.  I couldn't be loved because I messed up so badly.  But I tried so hard.  I promise you, Dad, I did!  But I just can't do it.  I failed.  I had always worked so hard to never fail, but...  I failed you, Dad.  I failed you, and I failed everyone.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so, so sorry..."

Light's voice trailed off into whispered "I'm sorrys" as he sobbed brokenly.  Everyone in the room looked at him with shocked faces, but the only person Light even knew was there was his father.

"Light...  I never knew.  I should be the one apologising.  I was so, so wrong.  I wish I could go back and fix all of my mistakes.  I am so unbelievably sorry, Light.  I think it's time I finally started acting like a father.  How about we start over and this time, we can do it right?"

"All right," Light replied with a small smile.  "I'd like that."

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Probably the only A/N I'm actually leaving in this:
I have to say:  I never really get emotional when I write a story, but I cried writing this chapter.  This chapter means a lot to me, especially Light's speech to his dad.  As a queer trans guy, this is something I struggle with a lot and... Well, that speech was from my emotional centre.

An added bit from the new edits:
It's 2017 now. I came out as queer on 3 January of this year. My maternal unit mostly ignores it, but sometimes protests it still as well. (She's the one I modeled Mr Yagami after, originally. Except... She hasn't started to love me yet. And that hurts, but I've had to accept that she won't ever do that. This is the one time I left a character off a bit better than I got, shockingly enough.) Anyway, my dad is super accepting. I kind of knew he would be after this one talk in mid-2015 when we talked about how marijuana's not that bad of a thing and he told me he was kind of a hippie when he was younger. I haven't told either of them I'm trans, but I think he'd be okay there, too, at least with time. But I have to be somewhere I can assure my own safety before coming out on that front, as I have a legitimate fear that my mother will actually  [REDACTED] (or come close to it) and I need to be able to get away if something like that happens. The point here is, I made Light come out when he wasn't ready, and bad things happen. Coming out when you aren't ready in general is a bad thing, and it can be pretty traumatic. The first time I ever cane out (to my maternal unit in 2013) was because she forced me to. I'm not going too far into it, but a lot of the reason I came out to my parents the way I did at the beginning of this year was because I knew my dad would be on my side. And I knew that this fall, I'll be in college in a different state. I was ready — for telling them my sexuality, at least. I'm getting long-winded again here, so I'll stop soon. I just reread this scene and... It hit me just as hard as it did when I first wrote it approximately five years ago. And reading all this over makes me want to reinforce some important things:

+ Don't come out if you're not ready or you won't be safe.
+ Try not to stay in any relationship that is detrimental to your mental, physical, or emotional help.
+ Don't stay in a relationship that drains you or makes you feel as low as the lows I wrote in for L and Light.
+ Don't ever let someone make you feel like their self-harm/suicidal thoughts or actions are your fault. That's unfair to you. (Don't be a total dick to them, but don't take this shit either.)
+ Don't pressure someone to come out when they aren't ready.
+ Don't cheat on people. Seriously. If you cheat and they dump you, that's your fault. Don't be a dick.

Okay, I think that's it here. Off I pop! xx