ballerina ♤ ed

five

I arrive home, and immediately threw myself onto my bed. I didn't have any energy whatsoever to even take off my makeup or change or plainly do anything.

I shut my eyes and my brain wasn't letting me fall asleep because of Ethan. He had me overthinking.

He did say he doesn't like my type. The one that dances on a pole and seduces men for money.

Maybe he could be using me. Maybe he's planning on humiliating me.

Just by giving him my phone number, I already fucked up. Or just by even continuing conversation with him when I was smoking.

I have the tendency of falling for the small things and thinking about them all day long and if they truly touch my little heart then maybe all damn week long. I appreciate the small things.

But I have to stop doing that. If Ethan and I do hang out and start getting to know each other more and more, I cannot commit the same mistake. I would be fooling myself.

♤

I felt myself coming back from my "comma" and didn't open my eyes right away. They felt so fucking heavy, I wanted to be asleep for the whole day. My feet were aching like bitches.

I open my eyes and it was hard because of how much light there was in my room. As I catch a glimpse of my phone, I remember I gave Ethan my number.

I grab it and instantly check to see if he called or sent me a text message.

No new messages. No missed calls.

I felt a little disappointed. I was expecting him to text me something clever for me to think about. But he did not.

I shrugged it off and went back to closing my eyes. I felt myself doze off until I didn't realize I had fallen asleep again.

♤

I see myself at a dinner table with people. I couldn't see anyone's face. It was so blurry. I couldn't even see my own face.

I did feel. I knew what these people were feeling especially me. I felt such sadness, disappointment and anger at the table. I see someone standing up and walking out the dining room. Another person gets up and follows them outside. They were on the porch. And the porch was filled with money. Dollar bills. One hundred dollar bills. I felt a warmth. Spiritually and physically. The two people outside were hugging so tight.

♤

heyyyy sorry for not updating and completely ghosting on y'all omg :( shit happened in my life pero like im a bad bitch and i'm back and im bettaaaa tehehe

i love y'all ❤️