Freedom at Sight

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by Royal__Queen55
by Royal__Queen55
                                    
                                              Dear World,
                          I don't how to explain  how I feel because no one has been near my feelings. What I feel is like a  thousand lighting blots going through my veins ready to burst wide  open. It seems like no one understands me.
                          I just want to be understood. Why do they not get that? 

                          They made me who I'm  today.They made me master the pretending stage like a professional. I  let people see who I want them to see. I play the game when I'm behind  this mask and the people around me are my pawns. I know what I'm doing  and saying. And you know what the best thing is they don't know. They  just gobble this crap up like its real food. My OWN people don't know  what I really feel. 

                          Fudge! 

                          They don't know what  happens when the lights go off and it's just me in the dark. I'm just a  puppet on strings, who is following its master's directions. When I try  to cut loose of those strings, I'm once again back in the firm grasps of  those white strings dangling above me with a wicked smile. But then,  the anger took over me, building up like a volcano waiting for the right  moment. 

                          All I need is one day to  let my anger fly, it scares me, but the thrill of letting it go excites  me and I love it. They have me locked in a giant box, but I will soon  be breaking the doors to the box that is suffocating me and let the  chaos of uncertainty free. I have been cooped up inside with the  darkness of the past, never let myself nor anyone once inside my walls. I  played the game for 18 years, now it goes my way. The torture and the  beatings and everything else in between, it's like your dying a little  by little every day. It's not what I want.
                          I see how she sleeps,  crying every night and I'm the same. I don't want that life. I made a  promise to her, on the bible, on myself, and on these two children that  drive me crazy, but I made her a promise, that she could see her dreams  come true. I promised her that and that's what I'm going to do. One more  year, that's it. I need to get my stuff together and get far away from  him. I can't talk or look at him without my anger going crazy. I can't  let it slip, but it's slipping like scary crazy. I can't help it. 18  years of anger held back and stuffed into one body. So much anger and  craziness inside me and I can't let it loose now. So close to freedom  can't let it loose. It's funny how I can help other people, encourage  them, and give them the courage to live, but when it comes to me, I'm  broken as I can be.
                          Funny how life works. 

                          Love, 

                          Royal__Queen55