It's Complexed (It's Complicated Part 2)

Another Day, Another Conversation

Mo's P.O.V

   I've been talking to LaCarr for weeks now, this boy has left a smile on my face everyday and I think I'm starting to catch feelings. Oh no, the f word, I can't do this. Wait I can. I deserve to be happy right. But what if he hurts me ? Will he? Is he going to fuck me over like the last, will he fuck my best friend and get her pregnant like the last one or will he place his hands on me? What if he isn't what I thought he was, what if he ends up being the worst motherfucker I've ever met? What if he doesn't really want me and he just wants to fuck? 

I'm not ready to do anything of that sort.... As my mind is racing , the devil himself calls me . " Hi Carlito." I reply anxiously . " Wassup Moriah, what are you doin'?" His background is loud. " I'm getting ready for school , boy where are you ?" I chuckle , after hearing a car horn in his background. " I'm walking to school, duh." He replies with a breathless laugh. ". How was I supposed to know that ?" I giggle back. 

"You right, how you been though, how's your morning?" Well...thoughtful. Excuse that awful pun I just threw in there, I really didn't think that one through. I just realized theres sort of a play on words within all of that , I'm so sorry. " Anyways.....my morning has been nothing but usual, boring. Me getting up and asking myself do I really need my education and why I can't just be a stripper and then me finally dragging my ass out of bed and getting ready to head to this hell hole I call a school. " I reply flatly, ending with a giggle. 

" Girl you are seriously something else , you know that?" He chuckles. " Man these people won't let me cross for shit." He grumbles. " Just go and whoever hits you , they should pay for your hospital bill." I giggle. " What the fuck girl, no fuck no ." He starts laughing hysterically . " I'm so serious, I would have been like , " make me some guap bitch, make me some mula" ." I can't help but laugh too. This boy has brought the silliest part of me out on god he has. 

"What you doing after school?" He asks, another car horn blaring in the background. " Nothing.... why do you ask?" I reply, biting the inside of my cheek. " Let me come see you, let's chill." He replies, confidence dripping from his voice. " I , uh , I don't know." I reply , anxiety starting to kick in. " Why not, what's the problem ?" He asks, confusion clear in his tone. " I just , it's not the right time right now, my mama gone trip." I lied, I wasn't ready to see him in person.

I wasn't physically comfortable letting him see me just yet, I was very insecure with myself. What if I wasn't pretty enough, I'm too fat. My scars are horrible, and don't even let me get started on my teeth or my hair. I was a mess and so was my house, people were always in and out , and I just wasn't comfortable with someone in my personal area, I was barely comfortable on the phone. I need to build up some courage first, I know I'm not ready for any company .

" Am I ever gone be able to see you?" Honestly I don't want to answer that because I don't even know myself. I hate that I bullshit people but the last dude or two I let all in my space wasn't what I needed . I have been beaten by one and lied by the other , what more can be done . What more can I take ? " Hello, Moriah?" He questioned. " Yeah , you'll see me one day , I don't know when but you will." I lied , there was a little hope behind my words. I really don't know this kid, I really don't know what his motives are at all . He could be here just trying to fuck me , or fuck me over , both I don't need . I'm not ready to give myself to any other dude until I know he's sincerely about me . I can't be with someone with issues , I can't be with some one who is stuck on their ex or plotting to be with the next .

I honestly can't take that , I need to know he'll be all about me . I need someone for me and me only , not for the world . I need someone to bring me back up, I have no more left of me to break down , I won't be able to handle that . I won't be able to keep my head up . I wish feelings were a thing you could just give away , so you didn't have to deal with them anymore . Are there adoption centers for feelings ? I don't want mine anymore , I want to give them away to someone who could use them properly , to someone who knows how to avoid getting hurt. They deserve better , they deserve way better , better than me . " Hey LaCarr , I'll talk to you later ." I sigh. 

" Why?" He asks . " Just got some stuff to do ." I lie , I just want to sit and think . "Um , alright ." And the phone hangs up. I don't want to get myself involved with a man who doesn't want to be there . I can't be hurt again , I have a limited time and I'd like for it to not be wasted . I like him, I do but I'm too scared to risk it . I don't want to be hurt anymore . Tears begin to stream down my face as I think about the hurt I've been through with boys . Why can't I be good enough , what am I doing wrong ?

What's wrong with boys these days? Why can't one girl be enough? Why do you need multiple , why do you have to hurt the one girl who actually gives a shit about you . I wonder , do the tears that fall from my eyes even faze them, must not ? No matter how many tears I shed it doesn't get me anywhere, they all look at me like I'm speaking Spanish . Ugh , why can't I be enough ? Tears stream down my face even more . That question crosses my mind everyday . Why am I not good enough ? What is wrong with me ?  I just want to make someone happy , I just want to be happy but I don't meet the standard .

Don't get me wrong , he seems like a great guy but it's that public image that's making it hard . I sound so bad saying that . I shouldn't let the public disfigure his image of what I see in him. I also don't want someone who is for everybody you know. He has this reputation , a really bad one. It's one of those typical ones , the whole , he's a bad boy and fucks whoever and whenever , wherever because he's the so called 'man'. I've heard so many stories and it's kind of scary because I don't want to be one of those girls. 

I don't want to be one of those girls he sweet talks out of their panties and just stops talking to , especially because I am a virgin and to lose that to someone is supposed to be special right . It'd suck to get close to this boy and it just goes to shit like the last one. I'm being such a hypocrite it's sickening. I damn near gave my virginity away just to get rid of the thought of my ex. But the stories I heard about LaCarr make me question if I really want to get close , I should give him a chance though and maybe even ask about it . Get the information straight from the horse's mouth right ? Whew , this is going to be a fun ride , I hope ..........