i wanna be yours // phan

three

dan

i tightened my grip on the straps of phil's bag that i had insisted on carrying. my cheeks had remained hot, which made me blush even more, knowing phil had to have noticed. this crush was so stupid.

"why'd you have to get a black bookbag," i mumbled irritably, watching my feet so i wouldn't have to look at him. i stepped up on the curb and into the grass, watching dew drops collect on my sneakers. i could feel sweat trickling down my back and it made me want to squirm. i heard him chuckle and i frowned at my feet.

"oh, i apologise," his shoes scuffed the pavement. his strides were longer than mine, more purposeful, but he waited up for me. "i didn't know i had to check up with you,"

despite my seemingly permanent irritated attitude, a grin tugged at the corners of my lips. "well you do," i mumbled, still refusing to look at him.

"good to know," i finally turned my head when we got to my front steps. he bounded up them like he lived there. he nearly did. "i'll keep that in mind."

he always had this something in his voice-i kept reminding myself to check if he did it with other people, but i was never focused enough near him. it was something deep and almost rough and i would be lying if i said it didn't drive me crazy.

phil probably just wanted to go home, but i wouldn't let him. i wanted to see if i could drag more out of him about the exam. it bothered me, how he just brushed those things off. like i wasn't important enough to invest even a moments confession of his emotions in.

maybe i was just being selfish.

he immediately beelined for my room and i followed with a sigh. i tossed his bag on my bed, shrugging it off my shoulder and watching him sit down, leaning back as if he had already planned out the most casual way he could go about things. i almost rolled my eyes, but caught myself. i sat down next to him, trying not to look nervous.

"are you sure you don't want to talk about the test?" i asked after a moment of silence, hugging my knees to my chest and watching him like a hawk. he shrugged and i searched his features for any hint of emotional betrayal.

"i'm pretty sure," he looked at me. "do you?" the way he asked made it pretty clear that even if i did want to, desperately, he would still be reluctant. not because he was hiding something about it-because the subject honestly did bore him. i sighed.

"no. it's okay." i rested my chin in my hand. he nodded.

"m'kay, good,"

god, he was stupid. i wanted to kiss that mole on his collarbone.

"how's your family?" i asked slowly, hesitant. sometimes it was a sensitive subject. he shrugged again.

"are you sure you haven't found her, dan?" he rolled onto his stomach to look at me easier. something caught in my throat, something painful. "like, maybe you did and you just don't know it,"

"i'll know when it happens, phil."

he made a face. "well i know that, technically, but. . ."

i chewed on my lip until i tasted blood, searching his face. his stupid face, with its stupid handsome shape and his stupid pretty lips.

"i'll tell you the second i find her," i told him slowly, my voice soft. "i promise. okay?"

he nodded but i could tell he wasn't taking it to heart. i tightened my jaw, my gaze dropping to my hands. i couldn't lie-god, it was pissing me off that he wouldn't just drop it. it was like rubbing salt in the wound. it hurt, every time, like a slap in the face, and it sucked internalizing it.

phil sighed and reached out, taking my hand. i froze, even though he was always this touchy and i knew it didn't mean anything to him but a friendly gesture. he played with my fingers as if i wasn't even attached to them.

"she's gonna be so perfect, dan. . .i know it. she'll be pretty, too. beautiful." he smiled, tracing the lines on my palm. i couldn't breathe. i pulled my hand away quickly and phil looked at me quizzically.

"sorry," i breathed, my face heating up. "pretty, huh?"

phil nodded, somehow completely forgetting my obvious stress. "gorgeous, probably." he smiled with half of his mouth. "and i'll love her so much, i can feel it. i'm so excited to devote myself to someone, you know?"

something snapped inside me and i ground my teeth. "okay, yeah, i get it," i snapped, and he stared at me.

"are you okay?"

i knew i should just shut my mouth but it was too late now.

"no! can you talk about anything other than soulmates? i get it, phil!" my face was really red now, and i felt like i couldn't catch my breath. he looked at me with wide eyes, but his expression suggested he thought i might have lost it.

i flinched at my outburst, hugging myself and looking away. "it just gets annoying, you know? it'll happen, you just need to give me time. give it a rest, be patient." mostly i just wanted to stop having to hear about it. and deal with the feelings that came with it. out of the corner of my eye i saw him nod slowly.

"alright..." his tone suggested he thought i was crazy, but at least he was agreeing. at least he was listening.

i sigh and lay down, rolling onto my side, facing away from him. i rubbed my upper arm as if i was cold, squeezing my eyes shut before blinking rapidly to keep back tears.

"dan. . .?" after a few minutes i heard his voice behind me. i ignored him. i wasn't in the mood for. . .any of this. i felt his finger jam into my side and i looked back just to glare at him.

"what?" i snapped, crossing my arms. he raised his eyebrows.

"don't be mad at me."

and that made me even more mad at him. i ground my teeth together and looked away again. "i'm not. i'm just in a bad mood."

i heard him sigh and i rolled my eyes, pressing my cheek into my pillow. he always took me for granted when i was under his finger, and got bored when i wasn't.

he went quiet but after a minute i heard him slide off the bed, starlight starting to play, probably from his phone. i rolled my eyes hard and hid my face in my pillow. he was such an idiot sometimes.

his smile was enough to fill the room with his warmth and it creeped over my skin, giving me goosebumps. phil's hand was on my hip, trying to roll me over, and when that didn't work his fingers danced to my wrist. he tugged and i sighed, looking up at him. he grinned at me and my heart skipped a beat.

"what? i'm listening to it."

he shook his head. "but really listen to it. with me."

i rolled my eyes yet again but hesitantly pushed myself into a seated position. he beamed and sat next to me, far too close. too close for me to avoid the racing of my heart.

"i'll shut up about it," he muttered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. i shivered. "i promise."

i nodded, reaching up to slide my hand onto his. and i actually let myself believe he'd do that for me.

i closed my eyes and let the music crash over me.

--
hi i love being punk
-roo