Dear J,
I guess I'm sorry for bringing this up so often. But to be honest it's for the best. I sort of feel bad for not being able to forget but I just need to find a way to not associate your name and face with pain and sorrow.
I don't know when that will happen. But I do know that I am wiser and stronger, at least emotionally, than I have ever been. I guess I have you to thank for that. I know that many years into the future I may be able to start fresh, but that is not likely to happen anytime soon.
I used to want to bring you down, and show you how I felt and make you feel what I felt, but now... I know that that will cause us to be forever intertwined, and that is the last thing I want.
Today we talked a little bit, but I hope you don't think that means I'm okay. This isn't some nightmare we can just wake up from.
I suppose I'm sorry for leaving our friendship behind and forgetting what you once meant to me, but I was faced with an ultimatum: leave and forget or stay and never forget. So, of course, I tried to stay, but in the end, I realized my sanity wasn't worth it.
So this is my apology for feeling lost and betrayed and hurt and following my heart through the darkness. I'm sorry you can't be included in the light. Because in my mind your face is covered by shadow and I don't know who I'm looking at.
Sincerely,
-R
YOU ARE READING
My Struggle With J
Non-FictionPoems I've written on a particular problem from my life. Warning, I do get pretty personal, so if that's not your thing then well, don't read. There's technically a sequel (?) To this called the road back, if you're interested I guess
