Our stories

Soph

Hello. You can call me Soph. Or S. Whichever you like. I'm not fully comfortable with putting my full name so here I am, putting half of it.

Sorry for being so insecure.

There isn't really anything interesting about me. The big important thing would probably be:

That I'm an anxious introvert with low self esteem.

Anxious introvert meaning I'm a quiet, shy girl that tends to worry about every little insignificant detail in my maze of a life.

Low self esteem meaning I'm lacking the confidence to feel proud and to do things and to explore the things that have yet to be explored by me. Because I'm afraid. And because I believe that I can't do it.

And that's what I hate about myself.

I hate that I worry about everything. I despise how my dark thoughts ruin what could be an entertaining life. I despise being so shy and inwardly kept and socially awkward.

I hate it all.

I hate myself.

But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of how I'll become and afraid about what the future holds for me. I'm afraid of falling and getting hurt and being left alone and getting lost so much that it hurts.

My chest hurts and my head hurts and everything hurts and I can't tell what's happening anymore. I just want it to stop.

It's like I'm in a dark, dangerous maze, getting lost every second of my life and never finding my way out. There is always an end. For this maze, there are two. One that leads to the dark ocean that would drown you in endless sorrow and another that would bathe you in bright light of joy and excitement. I long for the bright light that would end this pain and sorrow. But over the years, I've done nothing but get lost on my way to the light, and getting closer and closer to the darkness.

To the place where I'll surely drown.

And it terrifies me.

Because as the years go by, I grow up. And as you get closer to being an adult, the more responsibilities get placed on your shoulders.

And I'm not ready.

I want to stop time so I don't grow, so I don't have to worry about the responsibilities and the future and what I have to be. I just want to stop time to sort out my bundles of confusion before I continue on the path of life.

But time is cruel. Life is painful. And no one can change that.

I'm trying to escape the maze. I'm trying to get closer to the light and farther from the dark.

And maybe one day, I can help my friend do the same. Because all I'm doing is acting normal when she's secretly drowning. All I want do is help but I can't. Not when I'm socially awkward and clueless on emotions like this. Not when I'm about to drown myself.

Because all I do is make things worse.

Unlike my friend who is trying to push me away from the ocean, I'm afraid I'll just pull her in deeper into the darkness.

And I know she doesn't see that acting normal is my attempt to help her. Because for me, being normal gives me this feeling that there really is nothing to worry about. Even if it's not permanent, I feel happy. Openly acting worried reminds me that there is darkness and that we aren't "normal". It makes me feel awkward. I wish I knew how to help her.

I don't deserve her and she shouldn't be with me. But she is with me. And all I want to do is apologize. But I know if I do it face to face, I'll burst into tears and never be able to say everything on my mind. Because I'm sensitive and I'm clueless on emotions and how to express them.

I have so much on my mind, but I can never put them all into words. How do you put confused, bundles of emotions into words? Words can't describe how I'm feeling but here I am, attempting to put in what I can into words.

If you read everything, thank you. I appreciate it. 

I would tell you don't worry but that's difficult after everything I've said, isn't it?

So I want to let you know that I'm trying to escape the maze, trying to heal the emotional wounds, and trying to understand myself more. I have amazing people in my life and even if there aren't a lot of them, they're there. And they say they're here to help me.

I won't go to cutting or become suicidal. It frightens me to even think about it, so you don't have to worry about that.

All I have to do is remember that there is always someone above me, and always someone below me. I just have to remember to sometimes look down and see that I'm not the worst.

And maybe, just maybe... 

I'll finally escape the dark maze.

-Soph