My Testimony

1- The Bait

Is it true that just because you don't physically have sex, you're not sexually active? In some ways I believed that. But not being sexually active to me was such a bummer. In my teen years I would always think that if you had sex, you had it all. You had the love, the connection, the experience. The act was so different; a new realm. I was always thinking about the love, the connection, the experience, but not what was important: My worth. 

Throughout life you'll hear the phrase "know your worth" but to my teen ears the phrase didn't mean anything really. It was just a phrase that people used to keep teens from having sex. I didn't have sex though. I somehow knew I wanted to wait. Somehow I knew I didn't want to "do it" just for the experience.

I've seen my friends throw away their virginity for a guy that didn't even care about them. It hurt me to see them fall so hard, so fast. I would always tell them to wait at least six months until they committed the act, but they'd brush me off. I would always hear them say, "You wouldn't understand, Maggie." I hated when they said that. I did understand. By watching their hearts break every single time, I always understood.

Like I was saying before, being sexually active doesn't always mean having sex. For me, unfortunately, I resorted to much simpler methods. Masturbation. I'd watch porn. I'd text random guys on the internet. I craved that attention, but I was scared of the attention in real life. On the internet you could pretend. In the real world, you couldn't.

Masturbation had a hold on me; a very tight hold. At times I was ashamed. I'd tell myself I would stop doing it, but I didn't. Then one night I started thinking about God. I started thinking: What did God think about what I was doing? I became disgusted in myself.

I couldn't really say I was a Christian back then. I went to church throughout my childhood. I knew of God and Jesus. I could easily say I was saved without truly meaning it or knowing what it meant. But this night in particular, I genuinely wanted to know what God thought. So, what did I do?

I googled it. Is masturbation a sin? Several results popped up. I read through many answers, but it didn't say what I wanted it to say. At times it would say that the word masturbation isn't in the Bible. So, of course I thought I was okay. I justified it. I disregarded it.

However, every single time I masturbated, I felt so convicted. I would cry and cry for God to forgive me. My cries didn't hold no weight with God though. Knowing what I know now, God required a heart cry. A cry that would change my life. Because no matter how hard I tried to stop doing it, I would always give in. I had no self control. No strength. It ultimately became my master, and baited me into believing that it was okay.

Here's a poem I wrote sometime in early 2015 while in the midst of all of these things:

How many times?
How many times have I told myself: Never again?
Does it take a bullet to the soul
Or a bullet to the chest?
For a moment its good
Then that moment slips away
Does it really matter now
Than it did yesterday
Let me tell you a secret
A secret so black and blue
I have sinned too many times
And so have you
What is it that makes it happen?
Is it that spark ;
That one flicker of light?
Or perhaps its just the anger that grows deep inside
Change - what a beautiful girl
But change is hard to get
Hard to decipher between the world
Because change doesn't come around often
She stays hidden away
But will she come around now
Or on some rainy day
You see this is what I don't get
How can my mind say one thing
But my body scream another?
It seems like the two don't know how to agree
They don't know when to stop
They argue and argue until one of them just drops
The subject, its deep, its real
But how can I possibly live life like this
When my mind begins to steal
I love God, I love Jesus the holy son
But perhaps it isn't strong enough
Not strong enough to run
Away, I try to run away
But my body catches up
And I think, I just need to pray

Lord, forgive me I know I have sinned
I have sinned again and again
When will my sinning end?
I want to put all my faith in you lord
Please make these ungrateful thoughts go away
I just need you to come and save me from so many horrendous things
Lord guide me! Give me the strength!
For You know I can not do this alone
Lord please forgive me for doing these things please have mercy on me
Give me courage to stay away from this evil

Amen.

Wow. I'm so glad I kept this poem. It shows you how deep my sin became. It shows you how much I wanted to change but wouldn't. How dare I say that Jesus wasn't strong enough to save me? It was me that didn't want to be saved. It was me who wouldn't surrender. I was in darkness. I was lost.

It took me a couple years after this to finally surrender my life to Christ. To finally know my worth.

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"Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's." 1Corinthians 6:18-20✨