IT WAS ALWAYS YOU

I Hate Myself

Samar pov:

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SAMAR. ONLY YOU. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. YOU DESTROYED MY ENTIRE LIFE. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE A LOSER. I AM NOT A LOSER SAMAR. YOU ARE. YOU ARE A LOSER BECAUSE YOU USE EVERYONE FOR YOUR OWB BENEFIT. YOU WANT TO SHOW YOU ARE THE BEST AMONG ALL OF US.
*Gun shot*
"Noooooooooooo Avi stop!!!!!!!" I screamed and sat immediately. My hands were shivering and I was all covered in sweat. Placing my hands over my eyes I tried calming myself. It was all a dream samar relax. How come you are still not used to it. It's 7 years now. After convincing myself that I deserve this I slowly got off my bed and made my way towards the balcony to clear my head. Anyways I won't get sleep now and it is still dark outside and I don't have anyone to talk to so it's not that I had much options. I sat their leaning on the wall and supporting my arms on my knees.

It was all dark and quite outside just like my life. I never thought or imagined even in my wildest dream that I will ever stay away from hash (Ridhi's pet name given by samar). Sometimes I really feel everything around me is laughing on me and my stupidity. There's silent nights are asking me why Samar? How dare you spoil everyones life?? Who have you the right to do this to them? Don't you think they deserve the truth? Don't you think they will understand everything? A different suddenly it felt like these questions changed into real voices. I could feel Hash, adi, Nikhil and Maya asking me again and again why you did this to us.

"No stop it please. I can't. I can't explain what I did and why I did. Just leave me please. I am tired of this shit. Just leave me alone." I scremed covering both my ears with the help of my hand in order to stop those voices. I want to run away. I can't do this. I can't see their faces. It kills me bit by bit. I straight away reached for my phone and called Avani. She is the only one who knows everything.

Pick up A please please please. I need to talk to you. Dammit Avani. Please pick up please please please please.
"Hello" and I finally felt I can relax a bit. "Avani....." I tried putting my thoughts into words but all I could manage was saying her name. And she understood it all. "Shit samar not again. You had that nightmare. I told you take your medicines but you never have to listen. How can you be so careless Samar. And you are in goa. It's almost impossible to get new set of those medicines. Why can't you just listen to me once. " I was listening to everything she was saying and I don't know what to say.
" I don't deserve this care Avani. Why are you still by my side. Leave me alone avani. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of this. I have hurt everyone beyond repair A. I am responsible for everything A. I don't know why I came here. It feels like this entire thing is suffocating me. I feel so trapped within my own body and all I want to do is free myself from this jail. I just... " she immediately cut me off saying rather shouting " no samar I know where you are going with this. Stop please. Samar you are brave enough. You can do this. You can fix this darling. I know you can. You have walked through this all alone. You are the strongest person I know. Trust me when I say this samar you can do this. "
" I don't know Avani. I don't know how to face them when all I have is this guilt of making their lives hell. I see hate for me in their eyes. They don't want to see my face forget talking. Not that I am complaining, I deserve this but I can't go through this in real A. This is killing me. " I broke down once again and no words she said was comforting me this time until she said " You love her Samar. Don't forget what she deserves. Don't forget why you are attending that wedding. You are ready to mentally torture yourself for getting that smile back on her face. You were, are and always will be the best friend a person can ask for. Sooner or later they will forgive you for whatever you did. They have to. Don't think much Samar you will get through this as well. "

" Hmm. Maybe you are correct. I have to do this for them. Although they will hate me more now but I have to. It's time they move on in their lives happily and forget someone named as Samar existed. Thank you for always being there for me. For always having my back Avani. I owe my life to you. Byee. Talk to you later. " I am blessed to have her in my life. If it was not her I would have died long back. She brought me back. She gave me reason to go on with my life rather ending it.