HIDDEN (jenlisa)

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'I love you' she said..

When everything was still fine.

When everything was still normal.

When she could still say it without restrictions.

'I love you but...' is now what she says to me.

I understand why.

I need to understand why.

But until when?

Our relationship is full of love, yet full of buts.

Full of secrecy.

************

"Baby, I love you." She said softly while stroking my hair, our bodies naked and tangled with each other after long night of making love.

"I love you too, but how long would we hide this relationship?"

Because I'm tired.

I'm fucking tired, Lisa.

I want to convince myself that this is the right thing to do.

I want convince myself that your reason for hiding our relationship is for the best.

But no matter how I look into it, the more I see its flaws.

This secret relationship is full of flaws.

That sometimes I'm getting really tired and tempted to end it.

But I don't.

I don't because that's how much I love you.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got dragged into this mess. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you." She said as tears kept flowing down her cheeks.

"I'm tired of this too, Jen. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid to hurt her."

"So you'll hurt me instead?" I said. Tears are clogging my throat.

She's selfish.

She saves someone from a heartbreak by tearing my heart into pieces.

But I'm more selfish.

Because I should understand why, but I just can't.

"You know my reason, right? Baby, please stay a little more.. Please."

I couldn't hold it anymore. I cried.

This scenario is totally familiar to me.

We make love the whole night then cry morning after.

It tires me.

But I love her.

"Yes. I'll wait for you. I'll wait for the day we won't have to hide our love anymore. I promise you that." I said while wiping her tears. I kissed her damped eyes then her lips that tasted salty due to her tears.

"I love you, but we need to hide this relationship a little more."

"Yeah.." That's the only thing I could answer.

"Do you wanna visit her later?"

Should I?

For what?

To hurt myself?

"Sure."

Damn.

***