love yourself : tear notes U

Yoongi 15 June YEAR 22

I wasn't aware of anything other than the sound of music playing in my head. Not how much I had drunk, nor where I was, nor what I had been doing. I didn’t know, and it wasn’t important. When I went outside, stumbling, it was already night. I swayed as I walked. I bumped into pedestrians, news kiosks, walls. I didn’t care. I just wanted to forget everything.

Jimin’s voice was still ringing in my ears. “Hyung, Jungkook…” My next memory was of running like crazy up the hospital steps. The hospital hall had been strangely long and dark. I passed people wearing hospital gowns. My heart pounded. Everyone’s faces were too pale. They had no expressions. They all seemed like dead people. The sound of my breathing was harsh inside my own head.

Inside the slightly opened hospital room door, Jungkook was lying there. I turned my head without realizing it. I couldn’t look at him. At that moment I suddenly heard the sound of a piano, of flames, of a building crumbling down. I clutched my head and sank down. “This is your fault. If it wasn’t for you…” It was my mother’s voice- no my voice- no someone’s voice. At those words I was tormented by countless moments. I wanted to believe it wasn’t so. But Jungkook was lying there. Jungkook was lying in a hall full of corpse like patients passing by, I was utterly unable to go inside. I couldn’t check for myself. When I stood, my legs threatened to give out. I left with tears flowing. It was funny. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had cried.

I went to cross the street, but someone grabbed my arm and I came to a halt. Who was it? No, I didn’t care. No matter who it was, it was all the same. Don’t come near me. Go away. Just leave me be. I don’t want to hurt you either. I don’t want to be hurt. So please, don’t come any closer.