Whatever Happens

Chapter 19

"Have you decided on a major?" Ben's mom asked.

Ever since I was small, I liked sitting with her in the kitchen while she made meals or whatever. Since my mom had to work so much, Ben's mom had watched me almost every day when I was a kid. She was basically my second mom. At the moment, we were making Christmas cookies.

"Not yet," I said. "I just don't know what I see myself doing later." It certainly didn't help that for the majority of the semester, I'd been focused on Ben and Dean in different ways.

"Really?" she said. "It seems obvious to me."

"It does?" I didn't have any real talent for anything. I couldn't play an instrument or teach. I didn't even have a special love for a subject that might give me a clue.

"With as much time as you and Ben have devoted to cancer patients, and your ease with science, I'd have thought you'd go into cancer research."

I stared at her for a moment, thinking. That was definitely something I'd enjoy doing. Even if not the technical work, I'd love having that kind of an impact. But could I do it?

"I guess I never really thought I was smart enough for something like that," I said.

"Well, maybe that's why it's so obvious to me," she said. "I happen to know that you are smart enough."

I smiled.

"Of course, I wouldn't mind if Ben had that leaning too, but we both know that science was never his forte."

Nodding, I laughed. Ben was smart, he just never had any desire to learn anything science related.

"I know I'd be really proud if you did choose to go into that field. Though, of course, I'll be proud no matter what you decide."

Thinking about it, I smiled. Maybe that was something for me.

We worked a little while longer and, as it typically did, my mind wandered back to Ben. We'd been home for a week, and I still hadn't made up my mind about whether or not I wanted to risk our friendship with a relationship. Part of me just wanted to forget everything and give in to what I always wanted. But I couldn't turn my brain off and I couldn't stop thinking about the what ifs. Ben wasn't the only one I'd be risking if I gave in. It would affect both our moms and his brother, James. For the longest time, we'd been more like one family who just happened to live in two different houses. If Ben and I dated and then broke up, it would break up our family too. Not completely, maybe, but it would definitely strain things.

"What's on your mind, Sweetie," Ben's mom said, making me realize that I'd been staring blankly at the counter for several minutes.

"Oh, it's..." I was going to try to say it was nothing, but she gave me the mom look. She already didn't believe me.

"Can I ask you something?" I said instead.

"Of course." She smiled.

"If you had some way to know what would happen... Or even that it might happen," I said. "Would you still have married Ben's dad? Would you have gotten involved at all? Knowing what might happen... would you want to take the risk of going through so much pain?"

She was in the process of taking the cookies that had cooled, off of the pan. Setting the spatula down, she wiped off her hands and watched me seriously.

"Is something going on?" she asked, concerned.

Blushing a little, I glanced down before meeting her eyes again. Of course she wanted to know where that came from.