On My Sexuality

The First Steps

I wasn't raised in an accepting household. My mom is very traditionally christian, and didn't like LGBT. My siblings still believe being gay will make your kids disabled (which makes absolutely no sense anyways, I don't know why my mom told us that). She still draws the line at pride now (hehe, oops), but that's besides the point. My dad made gay jokes, and sometimes used it as an insult. I adopted my mom's behavior and opinions, and I still hate myself for that. Then, I went to Marnix. I had no friends, but one girl was generous enough to keep me company, and later become my best friend. I was the first person she came out to. And I believe my new school changed something in me, because I was accepting. Wow, I should've gotten a medal. And then it happened. I remember coming home from school, my mom was vacuuming. I tried to spark a conversation, just a fun one. The former worked. I told my mom LeFou was going to be gay in the live action Beauty and the Beast, she scoffed and rolled her eyes. What happened then is a blur to me, but I do remember some key points. I remember sitting on the stairs, sobbing, because my mom wouldn't accept gay people. I remember her telling me that making LeFou gay would "normalize homosexuality" and I remember her asking me if I had gay thoughts, because then we could "do something about it". I don't wanna know what that something would've been. I denied having gay thoughts, I believed I only liked boys. In the words of Elmer the park ranger: I was incorrect.