Junai

Return: Chapter 6」

"Are you alright? Have you calmed down?"

"......Yes......"

After my coughing had somewhat subsided, Shirai peered into my face, looking worried.

"I'm sorry I've startled you," he said, bowing deeply.

"No......"

As he continued to apologize, I prayed that this meant he was dismissing the recent topic of 'gay'. Gay......I didn't honestly perceive myself to be gay. If someone asked me if I felt sexual interest towards the same sex, I was certain that I would immediately reply 'no'. But what if someone asked me, what about 'him'? If they asked me whether I felt sexual interest towards 'him, and if they asked me whether I had any passionate feelings, either emotionally or physically towards him, then I would probably hesitate in my answer.

I was sure that I wouldn't be able to give a definite answer, so because of this, I wanted to avoid Shirai's question. I didn't understand what Shirai was getting at by asking such a thing. Perhaps I acted like I was gay? Oh, but of course, maybe he himself was gay and was seeking himself a same-sex partner? As soon as the word 'same-sex partner' came into my head, I wondered if perhaps he thought I was a possibility. Inadvertently, I looked at Shirai.

Shirai caught my gaze, smiled, and then said, "I like you."

".........."

Two thoughts swirled in my mind: 'I knew it' and 'that's ridiculous'. It all made sense to me now. I now understood the reason he had cut ties with his parents. It was because he was gay. My thinking 'that's ridiculous' came from the fact that there was no way a popular man like Shirai, who was considered marvelous in both his appearance and personality by everyone regardless of gender, would come to like a good-for-nothing man like me. Perhaps he was kidding? It would be more likely for him to smile and say he was joking, I thought, but Shirai's eyes had an honest light in them.

"I like you......but there's no need for you to think you can't turn me down just because I'm your boss. First, to clear things up, if I made a mistake about you being gay, you may tell me so. I won't act differently towards you if that is the case, oh, and of course I won't tell you to get out of the apartment either." Shirai spoke swiftly, daring to sound cheerful.

I realized that this was because a long time had passed without me saying anything.

"Ah, um......" I said, finally realizing this.

"Hm?"

Shirai stopped talking and looked questioningly at me, his head tilted to one side, and I was at a loss about how I should answer him. I had two choices: yes or no. Had Shirai really been serious when he had told me that he liked me? I wasn't sure, but it seemed that his attitude and tone of voice were serious. What should I do? I panicked as Shirai waited patiently for me to speak. But even as he waited on me, I could not come up with an answer.

'I'm sorry' were the obvious words I should have said. But I didn't have the courage to flatly turn down my boss's confession. It wasn't like I didn't trust him when he had said that he wasn't going to harass me if I turned him down. But I was so grateful for how much care and thought he had given me this whole time, that I felt like there was no way I could flatly reject him. That being said, I couldn't reciprocate Shirai's feelings. As soon as I would reciprocate, we would become lovers, but if we were to become then, naturally, we would do the things that lovers do. I couldn't imagine myself kissing Shirai nor had I any desire to do so.

If you 'can' do something, then you are able accept it and do it without much protest, but when it comes to whether you 'want' to do it or not, then you can't make yourself do it even if you try. That was how I felt.