Junai

Return: Chapter 8」

The project progressed smoothly and before I knew it, it was completed. As usual, Shirai kept an eye on me and invited me out often on our days off from work. However, just as he had stated before, he never again touched me since that time he had grasped my hand at the movie theater.

"I'm happy to just spend time with you."

I wasn't as childish as to take his word for it, but even then, I still couldn't help but continue going out with him, because I knew that Shirai had given me a salary reduction ever since I had committed the mistake that day. He had cut my salary, because it seemed that it had cost quite a lot to restore the system. This, I had found out from a project team member.

"Really, he's a capable man," deserving of no complaints, he said with admiration, but when he found out I felt responsible he looked openly flustered. "I'm sorry, I don't blame ya at all, Shimizu. I'm just sayin' the boss is a really good guy......"

"I know, but I think it's natural that I'm to blame," when I said that, he looked more and more sorry.

"I'm sorry. I really am. But I think the fact that the boss didn't say anything to ya about it, means he doesn't want ya to feel responsible, ya know?"

He backed him up, and I thanked him, feeling more sorry than ever. I decided to visit with Shirai after work.

"I'm happy you called me out," Shirai said just as happily as he had been when he had accepted my invitation to go to the kissaten, but when I mentioned my salary reduction......

"Oh," he said and shrugged his shoulders, looking openly disappointed.

"You can gain back the money in no time. It's nothing to worry about."

"But......" I can't help being worried, I argued.

However, he gave a lopsided smile and said, "I know how you feel, but I really don't want you to be worried about it. It's nothing personal. I would give a salary reduction to any of my subordinates who make a mistake, no matter who they are, but I would never hold it against them." So don't worry, Shirai said, smiling, but of course, I couldn't say, 'I see,' and give him my consent. "There's no need to feel guilty." The more Shirai talked, the more I understood that he was being honest, but it still bothered me. Was there any way to repay him? Without even thinking, I knew the answer. But I didn't have the willpower to do it. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. I didn't dislike Shirai at all. I respected him and liked his character. However, I didn't have any 'romantic' feelings towards him. I had clearly realized that when Shirai had grasped my hand at the movie theater. I hadn't felt disgusted, but I had been at a loss of what to do.

It had felt overly wrong to hold Shirai's hands. I couldn't imagine kissing him. And what would come after that was even more unthinkable. But it seemed that Shirai definitely desired to hold hands with me, kiss me, and have sex with me. I couldn't accept those feelings. I had made that clear to him, hadn't I?

He always took control over our conversations, so it seemed that he still hadn't clearly understood that I had rejected him. Before I could tell him exactly how I feel about him, Shirai always interrupted me and would not let me finish.

Here I go, blaming someone else, I thought, disgusted with myself.

Even though he interrupts me when I try to tell him that I reject him, I should say 'no' and stop him from talking if I truly want to refuse him. I have caused him nothing but trouble at work and when we were alone out of work, but he had always done so much for me that words couldn't even describe it. On top of that, he got a salary reduction as well because of me. Perhaps the reason he had stressed 'it's nothing to worry about' was because he still thought he was responsible that I had committed the mistake that day. That's what it seemed like to me, and I felt more and more at a loss of what to do.