how am i? (1)

Sickness

So, I was gonna get a bunch of sleep tonight, not like I already don't, and actually go to bed before midnight so I didn't sleep until noon the next day, but I couldn't. I mentally couldn't skip a day of posting on wattpad. Weird, I know, but I've kinda made it a part of my routine every night, so here I am.

Leaving

We left Dallas today. I really didn't want to leave, but for a different reason then you might assume. I didn't want to leave, because I've felt myself spiraling a little bit and I think it has taken so long for me to spiral because I was in Dallas. I love Dallas. I'm pretty well traveled for my age (extremely who am I kidding)(I've got insanely hard working parents that have blessed me way to much)(basically I'm privileged), but Dallas has always been one of my favorite cities I've ever been to if not my favorite. Don't ask my why, because I don't really have a good reason other than the fact that I love it and it makes me happy. Well, leaving Dallas might mean that I'm going to spiral soon. Maybe. All of this is just assumptions based on what I know about my depression(which is little to nothing). So, the five hour car ride was pretty boring as to be expected. Luckily, when we made it back, we immediately went and picked up my dog. I love him so much and I missed him, so I'm glad he's back.

Gone

My cousin is officially gone today. She left for Arizona and has deleted my contact and has asked me to not contact her. I don't know what to say. I'm crying just thinking about it. This entire situation sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I hate being in a situation where I can't even try to help. It's out of my hands and it breaks my heart. She's such and amazing girl and to see this happen to her. God. I can practically feel my heart shatter inside of me at just the thought. She asked me to forget about her and to pretend like she was never a part of my life but I can't. I can't bring myself to delete all the pictures of me and her. I can't bring myself to delete our texts. I can't stop looking and rereading all our past conversations from back when everything was fine. Before any of this happened.

Sick

So, I'm sick. My stomach is constantly upset and I have little to no appetite, which is weird because that doesn't usually happen whenever I get sick. Also, I have an insanely bad migraine and it literally hurts to stand up. I know I should be sleeping right now, but I know I'll still sleep for 12 hours or maybe 11 if I wake up early, so that's fine. I feel like crap. It's not a sick I've ever felt before, which sucks because I don't know what to do about it. I feel like death.

Back to School Videos

Does anyone else just love back to school videos. I swear every year at least four times a year (at a minimum) I binge watch a ton of back to school videos and videos theme around school. Is it weird that I love school supplies shopping. Like, I legitimately can't wait to go to staples and target with my mom and spend the entire day getting really cute school supplies. Just me? Ok. But, I did that to hopefully distract me from my cousin. It didn't really help. I did find a bunch of really cute stuff to convince my mom to order me from amazon when school comes around and then completely forget about. I always have a plan and an ascetic that I want to do, but it never works out. Like, recently I've been very minimal, so I really just want black and white stuff. I will need a new backpack, because my mom insists that I need a place for my laptop, so that means I can go full on with the ascetic. I really just want everything to be organized and ready for high school. It's June, actually, it's the very beginning of June, so I don't know why I'm writing this, but whatever. I'm just in the mood.

Daily Overview

4/10

I shouldn't have eaten that pizza my dad ordered. I also probably shouldn't eat a cold slice when I wake up, but I probably will. Also, I will probably go on a run tomorrow, which is also a bad idea based on the fact that I'm sick, but oh well. Also my foot is asleep, just like I should be. I'm gonna get back to the organization videos and stuff.

Bye <3