a thesis in the art of passing by.

0.2. self discovery.

i never really understood why everyone puts people surrounding them in a position where the lesser change can harm oneself. granted, i really am a guarded person, i don't usually let people get close to me in fear of getting hurt when they inevitably leave me, but is there beauty in letting someone in?

i ask for i realize that no one truly knows me. not even i, master of my own paths, know myself. i do know that once i was someone happy, carefree. but what about now? i'm riddled with insecurities, a mere individual, useless and one that will not make a ripple in the vast ocean that is our history. so why do i exist?

my friends all know each other. they know each other's past, their stories. they know the reason why they are who they are, and they willingly share that information, even when it could potentially harm them. where is the beauty in sharing, when someone could simply use all your secrets against you? were you to ask my friends about my past, my troubles, my afflictions, they wouldn't know how to respond. what does this entail? why do i feel like there's something holding me back from sharing?

probably because there is. fear, mayhaps. but it is not uncalled for, since past experiences have wired me this way. i overshare, people leave. i am a funny freak, one that everyone loves until the point i start to show emotions, then they disappear, leaving only a shadow of who they were and a broken heart behind. 

maybe i should trust. maybe i should confide my afflictions to someone who is willing to listen.

maybe.

one day, when that one individual arrives.

until then, i'll keep all my past, all my troubles and all my afflictions tucked away, safely stored in a small golden box that is my heart, locked away from unworthy eyes.

maybe one day i will be able to give someone the key and hope they don't shatter me again.

maybe.

- eddi sea.