Old Habits Die Hard

We'll Get There

For a while (Lance loses track of how long it is, but he knows that it isn't long enough), Lance feels safe in Keith's warm embrace. He can't think of anything that can hurt him while he's enclosed in Keith's arms. Lance finds that not even his brain is strong enough to ruin the moment.

But it can't last...

All good moments come to an end. It's a fact that Lance has become frustratingly familiar with.

Lance can feel Keith loosen his grip on him, and it takes everything that he's got to not grab Keith again and never let him go.

When Lance looks up again, he sees Keith's eyes. They're full of worry and what Lance is hoping isn't pity (he knows that it is, though). There's a shuffling in the background, and Lance suddenly remembers that they aren't alone.

Shiro and Allura are standing side by side in front of the bathroom door. They look concerned, constantly avoiding eye contact and shuffling frequently. Shiro hands Allura the broom that he was using to clean up the glass with, and she walks out of the room after sharing a knowing glance with Shiro.

"Lance..." Shiro starts to speak softly. It almost seems as if he's scared that if he speaks too loudly or says the wrong thing... he'll break Lance. Maybe he will... "You know that we have to talk about this."

The warm feeling that he settled in Lance's chest dissipated as soon as he heard those words. He knew that they would make him talk about it. It wasn't something that could be avoided, despite how much Lance wished he could. He'd been dreading the conversation, and here they were about to have it.

Lance laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. "I guess... but we don't have to?"

Shiro gave Lance a very poignant look. "I think you know that we do."

"Okay. Fine." Lance sighed a bit but tried not to make things worse by bringing anxiety into it. He can only handle so much at once.

"I think that we should talk with the whole team," Shiro said carefully but firmly. "They're worried about you too."

Lance felt his heart speed up a bit at the thought of sharing everything with the whole team, but he took a deep breath before nodding slightly. He didn't look up as Shiro traveled out of the room to get the others.

Lance could feel the panic setting in. He couldn't believe how many times he had gotten into this same situation. He hated talking about his feelings (unless they were happy ones). He had no right to worry the others. They shouldn't have to think about him on top of their own problems. They all have things to think about. Not to mention the fact that they're in a fucking war. Honestly... they don't have time for his trivial problems.

"Hey." Keith's voice penetrated into Lance's thoughts once more. "We can do this. Together." A small smile sat on Keith's face.

Lance tried to smile back, but it felt empty. "Yeah."

Don't worry them. Don't.

Keith pulled Lance into an awkward hug once more, and Lance melted into it. He forced himself to focus on the rise and fall of Keith's chest instead of the ache in his chest.

Don't. Don't. Don't.

Shiro eventually reappeared at the doorway of the room and knocked before entering.

Lance laughed, pulling out of Keith's arms. "Shiro," He said through laughs. "You don't have to knock when the door is open."

"Sorry." Shiro had a sheepish look on his face.

Pidge poked their head out from behind Shiro's body. She gave an awkward wave to Lance once they made eye contact and stepped into the room. Hunk, Coran, and Allura made their way into the room too. Hunk gave Lance a warm smile but there was something sad behind it. Coran copied the action, and Lance tried hard to return the gesture. Allura simply avoided eye contact and stood by Shiro as if she thought he could protect her.

"Hey, guys," Lance said quietly. He gave them all a lackluster pair of finger guns with a wink.

Convince them you're fine.

"Hey, Lance." Pidge spoke softly, but her face was much less pale than the day before.

Hunk sidled up to the bed and sat beside Lance and Keith. "Hey, buddy! How's it going?" He was clearly trying to hold himself together for the sake of the rest of the team, but his cheerful facade was slipping.

"Better than yesterday," Lance said sincerely. "How are you?"

Hunk seemed to freeze for a moment before his face fell, and he spoke with a broken voice. "I'm terrified, Lance. I... I could have lost you..."

Lance put a hand on Hunk's shoulder. "Don't worry about me! It was just a stupid decision. I'm fine now!" Lance smiled so widely that it was blatant that he was lying.

Suddenly, Lance heard Keith's voice speak, and he jumped slightly at the anger behind it.

"Lance!" Keith shouted. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Lance tried his best to look innocent, but it was obvious that he knew what he was doing. "What do you mean?"

Keith stood from the bed and kept on yelling. "You had a gun to your head, Lance! You could have died!" He paused. No one filled the silence. "For God's sake, Lance. Look at your damn wrists... Do you really want us to believe that you're okay?"

Lance looked down and refused to make eye contact. He didn't want to see the disappointment in Keith's eyes. He was sure it was there. It had to be.

"I... I don't want you to worry about me." His voice grew quieter by the word. "You all have your own problems."

Hunk turned Lance's face towards his own. Tears were streaming down his face as he spoke. "Don't you dare think that we don't have room to worry about yours too."

Another small voice piped up from across the room.

"Lance..." Pidge was frowning deeply, and their eyes glistened. "Why? Why did you do it?"

You're trapped. You have to answer. But don't tell them everything. Just tell them enough to placate them.

"I... I... I- Well..." A pause. "I was overwhelmed, I guess."

"Overwhelmed by what?" Shiro asked carefully.

Shit... Shiro's too smart. He knows all of the right questions to ask to get Lance to talk.

Lance stayed silent for a moment. He tried desperately to force out a lie but found himself speaking the truth. "The thoughts."

"What thoughts, Lance?" Allura had a confused look on her face.

"They... Well, they... Uh... They- Fuck." He stopped for few seconds to gather his thoughts. "They tell me that I'm nothing. They tell me that I annoy you all. They tell me that I'm useless and that I should just stop... living."

"God, Lance," Pidge whispered. Their face had paled. "You don't believe them, do you?"

"Well, why wouldn't I?" Lance said with a laugh. "It's all true, isn't it?"

"Wh-What are you talking about?" Hunk cried desperately. "No! No, they aren't true!"

"Liar!"

"Lance!?"

Lance snapped his head to look at Keith who visibly flinched upon seeing the fury in Lance's eyes. He recovered quickly, however, and continued speaking.

"Please... please, Lance. Believe me when I say: those things are not true."

Lance looked down, and his eyes seemed to lose whatever fire had been there in the previous moment. "I... I don't know if I can."

Hunk frowned at the boy before engulfing him into a hug. "We'll get there."

Keith awkwardly joined the hug which prompted the others to join as well. Pidge squeezed in-between Hunk and Keith, and Coran kneeled down in front of them and wrapped his hands around them. Allura joined in on the left side next to Shiro, who held them all together with his strong arms.

It was awful to talk about these things. Lance knew that better than most. But he's accepted that it's necessary to do so. It's necessary because if he didn't, then he'd never get to find the glimmer of hope that keeps him alive.

The glimmer that says: hey! I know things are shit now, but... we'll get there.

And Lance... he... he has to believe that they will.