We've all been in the situation before: you're hungry, but the microwave is broken, your car has three flat tires, and your mother doesn't allow you to use the oven ever since the last "incident." So how you solve this dilemma? Simple: you order in for pizza.
Pizza delivery is probably one of the greatest of all American pastimes. It is an event that not only gives much-needed jobs to individuals qualified only to drive a car and carry boxes in a dignified manner, but also gives Americans a chance to exert as little energy as possible in the preparation of a delicious hot meal.
Although it is a long-lived process, there are many in this fine nation who still do not comprehend the finer complexities of pizza delivery. I have harnessed my vast knowledge of pizzaology (look it up) to create, for your convenience, this novel and innovative guide to ordering a pizza.
Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start), and from there I shall guide you through the various steps involved in this process, and by the end you should feel a great sense of accomplishment and lack of hunger.
1.) Every pizza delivery begins with the yellow pages. The yellow pages are a magical book given to each household in the town, which allows them to contact any business or person within the town/county/border-lying agricultural areas. You must now locate yours. Look underneath the wobbly leg of the table at which you are sitting right now. Is it there? Good, let's continue.
2.) Turn the pages until you have located the keyword "pizza." The yellow pages are organized alphabetically, so it should be wedged somewhere in between "pizazz" and "pizzicato".
Once you have located the pizza section, you may be overwhelmed by the large selection of pizza restaurants listed. Do not worry; take deep, calming breaths. Now, simply select whichever one has the most appealing name to you. For example, I purchase all of my pizza from "Mama Betty's Italian Delivery." The pizza tastes like art supplies, but I enjoy the image of a warm and loving Italian grandmother handing me pizza. I also get a kick out of the fact that Betty is not an Italian name (at least, I don't think it is. Google it for me if you're wondering.)
Prologue to Step 3.) Before we move on to step 3, I must explain to you a device affectionately referred to as a "telephone", or "phone". This peculiar object was created by Alexander Graham Cracker Bell many years before World War II. It possesses the power the suck a human voice into its dark fathoms, and spit it back out into a human ear a great distance away. When you dial a certain number into the phone, it creates a magical bond between itself and the phone of the corresponding number, allowing the people holding either phone to "telecommunicate".
Do you feel enlightened now? Good. Now that you understand the phone, you are ready to utilize its technology in order to demand a pizza. We may now proceed to step 3.
Step 3.) Due to fascination with the prologue to this step, you should by now have located the nearest telephone in your place of residence. If you haven't, go find it now.
I will wait right here.
...
Got it? Good, let's move on.
Explanation of Step 3.) I realize that this was not really a step, considering that I implied that you have already completed this task. However, if I had not included it, we would've gone straight from "Prologue to Step 3" to "Step 4", and that's not how I roll.
Step 4.) Grasp the telephone firmly in your right hand. Raise your left hand with an extended index finger, put temporary pressure upon the buttons labeled with the numbers that correspond to the number written in the yellow pages beside the name of the pizzeria you have selected, in the order that they are written. For example, the number for Mama Betty's is 123-456-7890. So, I will first press the button labeled "1", then the button labeled "2", and so on, and so on, until I have finished dialing the entire number.
Step 5.) Now for the tricky part. This is where you have an actual conversation with an employee at your selected pizzeria. Because are many different ways this conversation can be carried out, I have constructed certain guidelines (see below) to follow, which you can vary based on your pizza preferences.
In the following script, the employee is the first speaker, and then the dialogue alternates between you and the employee:
"(Pizzeria name), may I take your order?"
"Yes, I would like a (small/ medium/ large/ jumbo) (cheese/ pepperoni/ sausage/ mushroom/ pineapple/ anchovy/ meatlovers'/ Chicago-style/ venison/ lactose-free/ semi-edible) pizza, with (thin crust/ thick crust/ cheese-stuffed crust/ extra pepperoni/ a side of breadsticks/ a sprinkle of love)."
"And where do you (live/ reside/ work/ hide from the government)?"
"I (live/ reside/ work/ hide from the government) (at/in) (1 Main Street/ 1480 Twelfth Street/ 76 Fisherman Road/ your attic)."
"Okay, (thank you very much /sir). That will cost ($9.99/ 752 pecos/ more than you'd expect). We'll have it to you (in 30 minutes or less/ as soon as we can/ once my shift is over). By the way, would you like to hear about (our specials/ the restaurant's history/ my relationship with my father/ the state of the employee restrooms/ my foot fungus)?"
"(No/ No/ No/ No/ No)."
-Hang up-
Step 6.) This is one of my favorite steps, because it is the easiest step. All you have to do is wait for your pizza to show up. To do this, you must practice patience and pass the time. Here are some suggestions as to how to go about this:
-Work on that 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle in your basement
-Write a love poem to someone with whom you don't stand a chance.
-Watch a Seinfeld rerun.
-Closely observe your neighbors' dinner party through their window.
-Repeatedly prank call your 8th grade science teacher.
-Meditate.
-Draw a picture of a dinosaur attacking the Senate.
-Google things.
-Contemplate the meaning of life.
Step 7.) When you hear your doorbell ring, rush to it, then open it by twisting the handle and pulling the door toward yourself. The delivery man should be standing there as the delectable fumes from the cardboard box he is holding fill your nostrils with joy. Pay him for the pizza, give him a tip (amount of tip varies by state), and, if you're a single female and he's cute, wink at him.
Variation on Step 7.) If it's been more than thirty minutes, don't pay him; the pizza is now free.
Step 8.) Devour the pizza.
Now that you have learned the process of pizza delivery, you should now feel confident enough to do it on your own. I hope that you, the reader, have found this guide to be informative, enlightening, and worthy of an award for literary excellence. You have harvested the bountiful crop that is knowledge. Now, as Mama Betty would say, "Buon appetito!"*
*Translation: "Good eatin'!"
