The stories of Jasmin L. Walker

Honest confusion

Dear diary, I know that in the last two entries I haven't been that personal. But trust me, that's going to change today.

I don't know where to start this so I guess I'll start from the beginning. So, Tilda (my best friend) was talking about school the other day, and asked me what Subject I was going to pick. That question got me thinking and honestly I don't know.

That's what freaks me out, that not knowing, that uncertainty. It stresses me out. And honestly, I feel shitty at the moment, especially because all my friends are busy today so I can't talk to anybody about my worries.  I feel so alone right now, I mean I know that I should think rationally right now, but I can't. I'm too emotional right now.

I guess that many people haven't figured out what they want to do with their lives, but me, seriously I am the person that has everything figured out all the time. Being that person is a lot of pressure on me, especially when I for once don't know.

I mean, I am a person and I am by no means perfect, but I like to have things under control I guess. And I know that I make mistakes, a lot of them actually, and I know that it is ok to sometimes just be a mess. I know all that, it's just... I don't know. I don't know why I started explaining at all, I just hoped that writing out my feelings would help me somehow. And I guess reading this later will be really strange to me, but I have to, I just have to get my feelings out.

Ok ok, let me try to explain. School, I have some ideas of what I would like to study. Music, I mean I am a musician and I want to keep on making music, but I'm not the person to study music theory or music history and all that. Music to me is a tool to express your feelings, and also a bit magical, I mean you play an instrument and it makes all these beautiful sounds and tells its' story. I think studying music would ruin it a bit for me, and I don't want that to happen, not in a million years. 

The other thing that I could study is like environmental protection studies or something like that , because I am in the beach protection organization and in senior high I was in the schools' environmental protection group.But the question is, do I really need a degree to protect the nature?  I could think that that would be a tad bit too scientific for me, and I would have to study in like Victoria or some other big city because that isn't on our local school program. 

And then I could also of course learn something totally unrelated like crafts or something, but would I want to do that? At this point I have no freaking clue.

I've heard of some people that would go on a gap year and just travel, I mean, I would love that, and it would give me time to thing about what I want to do with my life, and I would learn more about myself. But that would mean one year away from my boyfriend, because he wants to finish school as soon as possible, and I don't think we could handle that. People change so much in a year, especially when traveling, learning something new and going out of their comfort zone. I would come back, and we would be completely different people. God, and my friends too. 

I know that I make everything seem like a bad decision, but honestly, that's what I feel like everything is at the moment. Yes, even super positive people have some bad days. Now I just feel more confused than before.

I think that I should just stop writing now, I'll write a new entry tomorrow and then I'll hopefully see things from a better perspective. I think I'll just go now, either listen to some really loud music or just strum something random on the guitar. That will calm me down and help me, I guess... Bye. Love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, as you can tell I'm writing the book in diary style, that means that the chapters are a bit on the shorter side. But I think that is normal, it would seem unnatural if Jasmin would be writing 2.000 words per day in her diary, I mean she has a life.

Yes, this chapter was messed up, but I wanted to show the messed up, or just imperfect side of Jasmin. Because she has flaws and she is a real (fictional) person that like you and me, isn't perfect.  

Have a good day!