My Brother's Best Friend 2 | ✓

21. "holding you back"

The last thing I remember from last night was Sawyer holding my hair back as I spewed liquids into the toilet of his apartment that I don't even remember drinking, to be honest. I wake up with the worst hangover I've ever had in my life.

Sawyer walks in quietly and places a tall glass of water on the nightstand next to me. He notices my squinting eyes and questions if it was him that woke me. His tone is gentle and affectionate. I can tell he has so much he wants to say but he's patiently waiting.

He sits sweetly beside me on the bed, as a mother would to her sick child. I sip the water slowly because my stomach is far too weak to be under stress right now, even though I'm so thirsty I could chug the whole glass and not think twice about it.

We sit for a while in silence but I can tell the storm is coming. He delicately tucks a loose strand of hair from my messy ponytail behind my ear. "Who called me?" he finally asks, breaking the silence in the room.

"What?"

"This girl called me and told me you were getting close with some guy named Anthony. She was revealing a lot so I just didn't listen. I wanted to hear it from you." The bags under his eyes tell me he hasn't slept so he must've been worrying, like he always does.

My brain goes into overdrive, analyzing the information I have just received on last night. A few blurry memories of faces flood back, but only in short fragments. I can almost taste all of the drinks I had, which makes me feel sick. Suddenly a lightbulb violently goes off in my head.

The girl who called was the same girl from the diner, the one hung up on Anthony. Now that I'm sober, her obvious acts of jealousy are evident.

"Who is this guy? Feeding you false information about me? About us?" Sawyer drags me out of my thoughts.

Right now, sitting on his bed at 2:00 pm in the afternoon, blissfully wearing his hoodie that still smells like him, I decide it's about time to come clean. "It's just—" I start and he watches my lips patiently, ready to understand and process everything that I am about to say.

"It's hard being away from you," I blurt out. He looks at me like I'm this little kid that got in trouble, it reminds me of the disappointed look mom would give Ryan when he came home late after partying.

"He's not important, he's just a friend." I decide to add on.

"If he's just a friend then why am I only hearing about him now? Why didn't you tell me earlier?" He asks frankly.

"Because, you're always so busy, and even when I do get to see you I don't want to ruin your mood."

"Ruin my mood with what?" He gestures with his arms. "By piling my irrelevant issues onto yours. You're in law school, you're a proper adult and you've got better things to worry about."

"Oh my god Holly," he pinches the bridge of his nose in udder disappointment. "Why would you think that." He murmurs almost to himself. I take his hands and hold them, trying to regain his attention. "Let's not fight." I say weakly.

"If not now then when will we have time?" he stands up and crosses his arms in frustration. As he leaves his spot on the bed I immediately feel hollowed. His actions are so brisk and cold. I become aware of how gray and dull our surroundings are.

"Okay but I just want you to believe me, nothing happened—" I begin. "—I do and I get it," he cuts me off. "I'm asking for a lot." He paces the room back and forth causing me to become very anxious. "You're young and in college, you're supposed to be doing dumb stuff—I'm just holding you back."

"Woah woah—" I gesture for him to slow down, he's getting way ahead of himself.

"I'm just too old to be playing games anymore, I need to get my life together. I don't want drama Holly, I know I will stay loyal to you because you're all I want. When you ask me about my future, all I see is you."

His sad brown eyes connect with mine and his wistful gaze is heartbreaking to witness. Hearing him talk about the future when I haven't even given it a single thought, makes me feel so stupid. I've been so wrapped up in my own life I haven't been seeing what's right in front of me.

"When you tell me you're sad, I'm sad. I'm always trying to come up with a way to make you feel better and help you. When you come over and tell me all about the exciting things you did that day—I'm happy."

I feel a pit in my stomach knowing how much he cares, I'm starting to feel undeserving of this.

"I'm so in love with you Holly Lockwood, and I didn't plan to fall in love with you, but I did. None of this is fair to you though so I'm sorry."

I get up and walk over to him, taking his arms into mine once again, trying to calm the hurricane in his wandering mind. I know this is all my fault and listening to him speak his mind now makes me realize how selfish I've been. "Stop this." I assure him.

"I'm giving you an out, right here and now. If you wanna go then go. If what I told you now scares you, go."

I look at him, still holding his hands in mine and carefully recognizing the stern look on his face. My eyes mist up at the thought of leaving him and I can't understand why he would want me to.

All I know is he's making me feel so ungrateful to the point where I don't even feel like I deserve to be standing in the room with him.

Heartbroken, I quietly grab my stuff and run like there's no tomorrow. Tears stream down my face as I hastily make my way down the hallway, passing by some very concerned neighbors. His words continuously ring in my head.

"If you wanna go then go."

That's exactly what I did.

Next update: Around Dec 16
<3

So sorry for the late updates, please understand that I've got finals approaching but I will be uploading more frequently once they finish! I love you all!