Classic Parodies

Life Is a Park

(Narrator enters with a copy of Mansfield Park and sits on a chair.)

NARRATOR: (In a refined voice.) Hello, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to MansfieldPark.

(Fanny enters.)

NARRATOR: There once were three sisters, two who married well and one who married poor. The poor one had many children, one being our protagonist, the dear Fanny Price.

(Fanny coughs.)

NARRATOR: Fanny Price was the perfect girl in morals. She was kind, loving, and sweet. At a young age, she was sent to live with her rich relatives, and like most respectable girls that weren't too bright she was terribly ridiculed, ignored, and hated.

(Mrs. Norris, Maria, and Jessica enter.)

MRS. NORRIS: Fanny! Go out and buy me a loaf of bread! The maids are too busy to be trouble with such menial work.

MARIA: And send out that letter I've been meaning to send. And don't forget your bonnet. You've been getting browner than a mud puddle by the day. (Smirks.)

JESSICA: (Walks up to Fanny and smiles.) I hate you. And you're fat.

FANNY: (Meekly.) Yes, Aunt Norris. Yes, Maria. Yes, Jessica.

NARRATOR: So was the sad, sad life of Fanny Price. But she had one confidant. Someone she could trust. Someone she looked up to, nay, someone she... loved.

(Edmund enters.)

EDMUND: Hello, Fanny.

FANNY: Hello, Edmund. I'm fine. Life is actually quite good if I can get over the daily abuse.

EDMUND: That is a tragedy, Fanny. I wish this family was kinder than you. Let me just say, my dear cousin, that no matter what happens, nothing, and I mean, nothing could draw me from being your dearest and closest companion.

(Mr. and Mrs. Crawford enter.)

MRS. CRAWFORD: Hello there, who's this handsome man?

EDMUND: (Seeing her.) I'm in love.

FANNY: Well, there goes any chance of a happy ending for me.

MR. CRAWFORD: (To Jessica.) Well, who is this charming creature?

MARIA: (Giggling.) I am Jessica Betram, sir.

MR. CRAWFORD: (To Maria.) And who is this sphinx of the Nile?

MARIA BETRAM: Maria. Maria Betram.

NARRATOR: The Betrams were to have a long, long visit from some new visitors known as the Crawfords, who were the biggest flirts anyone had ever seen, especially Mr. Crawford.

MR. CRAWFORD: (To Julia.) Miss Julia, I think that you are the sweetest woman I have ever seen. (To Maria.) But Miss Betram, you and I both know that your intelligence and charm are unmatched, and your beauty is more graceful than a swan's.

FANNY: I need a barf bag, though I don't know if it's from the poor flirting or the fact that it is aimed at two women instead of one.

NARRATOR: Not only was Mr. Crawford aiming his love at two women, one of them happened to be... well, let's just say she was a bit engaged at the moment.

(Mr. Rushworth enters.)

MR. Rushworth: Who is that creature standing near my beautiful Maria?

MRS NORRIS: That is Mr. Crawford.