Find Me

•The cringe•

All those memories shared to a normal people they will see as if its a narration of an action movie. Which i wish it was one.

No one can possible feature all those to happen in reality. They seem to exist in just an adventurous ideal. The sour truth hurts that no one or nothing can relate the pain, anguish that is eating me inside slowly. Thoughts of it make my heart to cling on the dark room inside.
Trembling, i dried my wet eyes and took a deep inhale and exhale.

My right hand is clicking my laptop's buttons, one pancake on my left hand and coffee at my right hand side.

I scrolled through my emails and I just smiled.
Am glad that I can feel joy.

Probably so proud of myself taking this enormous step. After my Sunday's encounter, I decided to try use my gift and give it out to the world. Can't truly say it was all on the boy I had met but I just felt this drive inserted in me.

Two people have checked out my my poetry blog.
I hurriedly move to their mails and typed a warm appreciation for viewing my work.
It's not much but I just feel to share out my insights.

You must be wondering why I decided to do this especially with the scolds I get from people around me.

Well the answer is simple.
I hid my real identity.
That's just another April doing all those work.
An April who tries to put her emotions down.
Not to get appraisal or become famous, just to try reach out to someone like her.

Someone who truly understands what it feels to wake up everyday to live for something you don't know it's true purpose for your life.
Someone who everyone feels is a mistake. An error to society.
Someone who had it all and everything was just taken in a hard encounter.
Someone who deeply wants to escape his/her past but they just keep on haunting them down.

Someone who is like me.

I know.
I can't just live my life all in silence.
Despite the fact that I don't have the guts to face out, be heard and listened, doesn't mean I'll just kill myself with depression.

I have tried to persuade myself to go for therapy where someone professional to help me out to burn this monsters in my brains but am too weak. Too weak to  open up to anyone.

To be honest, am scared.
This same humans destroyed my life. My dreams. My family. My everything. My all.

The thought of it, biles me up.
Entrusting again?
Look what it has brought me to?

I hate my life.
I have no-one.
Even though it's just a temporary shoulder to lean on.
I just have myself.
I basically hate everything.
Everything.

Am just a burnt soil.
So dark and infertile of any goodness of the society and to myself at large.
Like a petrol can and a match stick, so dangerous to be kept together but nevertheless there is no other room to separate them both.
Pain defines me.
Fear engulfs my all.

After some hours of listening to music, I gathered all my ins and outs guts to go out get groceries.

I tossed away clothes from my wardrobe in search of a hood with a cap. It would do me good especially this particular emergence situation.

Finally.
I wore it, grabbed my money  porch, phone and left off.

Walked a few meters to get to the bus stop.
I sat near the door, earphones booming my ear drums and eyes fixed up looking at the window as the bus took off.

Bright day.
Children playing at the park.
People walking doing what they have to in order to strive and survive.
Homeless ones just at the shadows of the abandoned areas.

Welcome to the life we live.
Everyone is too busy for themselves that it is so pricey to spare some minute to care or show concern to the outcasts.
Having no room to show a little acknowledgement to those who are so out. So out from the survival line. So out of their own darkness. Needy, pained, grieved, orphaned, disabled. Name it. 

Not that am trying to be preachy or something, but i just wonder.
What are they being taught at their places of worship if that's what they claim of the place's name!

I woke up from my seat and stepped out of the bus. Steadily positioning my cap to hide my face at least from my nose and upwards.

Carefully i walked at the pathway heading straight where the main market is.  Thankfully there isn't a lot of crowding around.

I pave my way into the supermarket. Took a trolley and decided to go to the milk dispenser.

I moved to the eggs, some fruits, snacks, vegetables, meat and lastly an non-scented body oil.
Knowingly the money i have is enough for what I've picked up, i steadily moved to the counter.

The novel shelf was so neatly arranged that i was attracted to go window shop on the books.
A five minute delay won't cost me  anything by passing time to go through the books.
I gazed at the book covers and read some of the story's descriptions before deciding to pick the green book.
Mine.
A plain simple title.

The green field picture at the cover page and its description seemed like a poetic book or something of the sort so i decided maybe i should buy it.
I shot a quick optimistic look at the price tag and suddenly wore a frown.

Am running low financially and i have no job to boost my pocket. Frustrated i placed the book back to its position.

I paid off and left out of the market without a second thought of looking back.
All the stuffs will sustain me for weeks or something.
I have to economize so as to sustain myself from starvation before i figure out what i will do next.

Tired i tossed my shoes at the entrance and cap at the couch as i removed a monster soda can from the carrier bag.
After few sips, my eye lids were starting to be heavy so i slowly closed them.
I let myself carried away.