Well, What Ever Happened To Romance?

Chapter 12

3:00 AM. The light from my phone screen illuminated the entirety of my tiny apartment, the one I'd say goodbye to in a few days. My mind wandered to the last time that I was awake at 3:00. Ben and I had watched a movie at his place, I can't even remember which one, and we'd fallen asleep on the couch. I had woken up around this time. Now, though, I was awake because I needed to do something that I couldn't get myself to do. I needed to break up with Ben.

I hadn't slept since he left my apartment hours ago, comforting me after my first mental breakdown. I had felt better for a few hours, but my mind suddenly felt the need to remind me of every potential situation for disaster. I had spent hours pacing my apartment, dialing his number, then talking myself out of it.

I had never been the kind of girl who let boys slow her down. For as long as I could remember, I was the driven one-- the straight A student, the scholarship-winner, the girl who scored a dream internship at only 19 years old. And now that I had this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I ruined it.

Not only that, but because I was such a go-getter, boys had a tendency to stay away from me. Maybe it was intimidating, or maybe I was just the girl that people looked right over. Regardless, I finally found a boy who had feelings for me-- of course, I'd fall for him. Was it possible that the only reason that I liked Ben was that he gave me the attention that I had never gotten from a boy before?

Along with that, I had my future to think about. Ben had said it himself-- he didn't like the idea of being a long-distance couple. Why put him through that? Of course, I wanted to stay in New York. But after blowing my internship, the possibility of getting a job had decreased significantly. Going back to Michigan was the logical thing to do. There was safety there-- predictability abounded, and things just made sense.

I dial his number again, my fingers shaking to a degree that made it nearly impossible. I cave again, clicking my home button to see him and me as my background. The picture was taken on the opening night of Mean Girls, the two of us on the red carpet together. Seeing it somehow made me want to cry, while also making me want to throw my phone across the room. I slump down on my couch again, forcing myself to take a few deep breaths. I had to do it. Even though so much of me didn't want to, I needed to. Forcing him into a long distance relationship was not going to help either of us in the long run. It'd be better to just end things now than have them end painfully and slowly later on.

"Char? What's up?" His voice was tired and groggy. Reasonably, since it was after 3:00 in the morning. My throat began to burn at the sound of his nickname for me, and I found myself fighting off more tears.

"Hey. Can you come over?"

"Babe, it's 3:27 AM," He said, with a slight chuckle. My heart broke all over again, noticing how oblivious he was. Jesus, he didn't deserve this.

"I know, and I'm sorry that I woke you up. But I just really need to talk to you." My voice sounded weary and tired.

"Is it something we could talk about it over the phone? Or maybe tomorrow?"

"I really think you need to hear it in person."

There's several seconds of silence on his end of the line, the deafening kind that you wish you never had to hear again. "Ok, Char. If you think that's best, I can be there in a few minutes."

"Thanks, Ben." I respond, before hanging up.

Those few minutes felt like the longest of my entire life. I had never known anxiety quite like that. Even though I had convinced myself that this had to happen, it still wasn't going to be a fun time for anybody. I can't even get myself to make eye contact with him once he arrives, the look of unease on his face being too much for me to bear. "I'm not gonna lie, Char, you've got me a little worried," He says, with a nervous chuckle.

"Look, Ben," I start, my arms tensely crossed in front of my chest as if they would protect me. "I need you to hear me out before you say anything. Before I change my mind." His expression sobered slightly. He nodded before running his fingers through his hair, one of his nervous habits. "Ben... I can't do this to you. I can't let us be a long-distance couple. You had said it yourself, that you didn't like the idea. My life is too insane and weird right now, and I think holding on now is just going to make it hurt more later on."

He looked more confused than anything. "Char, yeah, I'm not crazy about having you hundreds of miles away from me. But if I really didn't want to do it, I wouldn't. If it's what I have to do to keep holding on to you, then it's what I'm gonna do."

"It's not just the distance though, Ben... I've disappointed enough people lately, myself included, and I'd rather get this over with now than drag it out."

"... So this whole time, you just assumed that we'd break up?"

I let my head fall into my hands. "No, you know that's not what I-"

"Char, aren't you exhausted?"

His question sits unanswered for a moment as I try to figure out what he's talking about. "What do you mean?"

"I mean aren't you tired of trying to make every single person in the world happy? My happiness, your boss's happiness, your parent's happiness... none of those are your responsibility. You're creating all of these problems for yourself because you're trying to save everyone else." His words stung. He was right, which made things even more difficult.

"Can you please stop acting like you know me so well?" I spit back, feeling my voice getting louder. Yes, it was a bratty response, but it was almost acting like my own little defense mode. I couldn't let him know he was right.

"Charlotte, I might know you better than you think," He replies, his voice raising as well. I had never seen Ben angry. The use of my full name instead of 'Char' pushed me to tears, but I held them back the best that I could.

"Ugh, god. Ben, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," I ramble. "I should have never brought you into my chaos. I should have never let you buy me coffee, I should have never talked to my boss about you, I should have never-"

"Wait a minute," He interrupts, a look of understanding crossing his face, although I didn't know what about. "You always said your boss liked us together... then you got your review back, and now we're... here." His voice was quiet again. "Is that the reason you dated me? Because you wanted to make your boss like you?"
I felt my heart cave in on itself for the millionth time today. "Oh my god, Ben, no! Please tell me you don't believe that!" Tears were streaming down my face now, me deciding that they'd be pointless to hold back.

He shook his head. "You can't tell me that it wouldn't make sense," he said, before biting the inside of his lip. I saw tears pool in his eyes, but he held them back. "Charlotte, I love you. Honest to God, I do. This might be a really shitty time to say it, but it needs to be said. And I want you in my life, even if it's hard or inconvenient. But if you're going to be so caught up on bending over backward to make everyone in the world like you? I don't know if I can do that." We were quiet for several seconds, neither of us wanting to say it. He stepped towards me, close enough for me to feel his breath on my face.

"Char, I need you to answer something for me." I nodded. "What do you want? Not me, not your parents, not your boss. What do you want? Do you want to stay here in New York with me, and not give a damn about what's safe or comfortable or makes sense? Do you want to go back to Michigan, and try this out instead of not even giving it a chance? Or do you actually want to call it quits, and throw away the best thing that's ever happened to me?" His voice fades to a weak whisper at the end, fighting off tears.

I put my head in my hands. I still hated crying in front of people, even Ben. I'm hardly even able to whisper the words 'I don't know'.

Ben's hands drop to his side before he reaches for his keys on the counter. "Well, if you ever figure it out," He says, opening the door, "Let me know."

And just like that, I'm alone again, the loneliness creeping into my body as I dragged myself over to my bed. Not that I'd be sleeping tonight, or doing anything other than crying, for that matter. What had I just done?

A/N: Anyone else mad Charlotte rn because I AM. also BEN this poor precious child

I CHANGED THE COVER! I'm sorry if I confused ya 

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