ephemeral life.

chapter 5: missing out.

I always wondered,

What it would have been like if I had friends.

Real ones.

Ones I could see,

Without hiding behind a screen.

I always wondered,

If anyone in school actually knew the sound of my voice.

The thought of

What it would be like,

To actually say hello.

Or actually be able to say hello,

That is.

It shouldn’t be hard.

That’s the part that confused me.

There were so many people there.

So many people like me—

There had to have been.

In a school of a couple thousand,

Why

Was

I

So

Alone?

But why should I have to put up the effort?

How come nobody said hello to me?

Maybe it was because I’ve always been quiet.

Maybe they just assume that I didn’t want to talk.

Perhaps, I scared people.

My clothing style,

Or how I only wore the same three pair of jeans.

Maybe I smelled bad because our water shut off frequently.

I suppose it’s possible that it was a mixture.

Fat, awkward,

And quiet.

That’s a great reason not to talk to someone.

Maybe I was invisible.

I wondered if nobody even noticed me.

That was a scary thought.

But it wasn’t the most frightening.

More thoughts raced through my head,

And I felt my body start to tremble.

Blurry.

Everything started spinning.

Gasped for air.

Couldn’t breathe.

Swirling.

Shaking.

Overwhelmed.

Calm down, Laney.

I told myself.

But it didn’t stop me,