There's a first time for everything.
Isn't that what they say?
You know, first times are usually the ones you remember most.
I remember the first time you hit me.
I don't remember all of the details.
Maybe I've tried so hard to forget, that some of it isn't there anymore.
I remember the sudden force.
One moment I was staring at your lips while you spoke, and the next I was staring at the ceiling.
Do you remember the first thing you asked me when I got up?
I do.
"What did we learn from this?"
We learned that stupid littlle girls should keep their mouths shut.
As much as I tried to keep this lesson in mind, I guess I didn't try hard enough.
Because I don't just remember a first time.
I remember a second, a third, a fourth...
I've lost count.
Hannah always said that she wished she knew me when I was happy.
Before you.
And she wanted to find that so badly.
She wanted to fight back.
After all, she had been in that position before.
So she thought.
Hannah didn't understand that our abusers were different.
Tylers method was almost entirely subliminal.
He said little things that would stick in the back of her brain until she believed him.
You should be familiar with that method.
I do recall you using it a few times.
Tyler only hit Hannah sometimes.
It was like you used exact opposite forms of torture.
You used extreme violence with a hint of subliminal messages.
Tyler used a lot of subliminal messages with a small amount of violence.
Hannah didn't fully understand how afraid I was.
She tried, but she just didn't get it.
I don't think I'll ever meet anyone who will completely get it.
Nobody experiences this the same.
I know that.
We all have a similar story.
But it's not the same.
We all know pain.
But we don't know the same brand.
It's a personal thing.
It all depends on the way you handle it, and the way it's given to you.
Some people handle it by fighting back.
Some people take it out on the first person that makes them angry.
Some people take it out on themselves.
Some people just accept that they can't do anything to change it.
I chose the last two.
I felt weak, but that's how I handled it.
I think I may always take the "weak" road.
And that scares me.
But you took away my strength before I even learned that I could have it.
I can never go back.
But this is who I am.
And I'll just have to deal with it.
