The Fault In Our Stars -The Aftermath

Chapter Five

I woke up in a hospital, as I had so many times before.

Kaitlyn was sitting at the end of my bed, her hair in a messy ponytail and her face completely make up-free; I had never seen her like this.

My parents were watching me with tear-stained eyes. When she saw I was up, my mom managed to pull her lips into a smile, though her chin trembled.

"How do you feel, sweetheart?" she asked.

I struggled to sit up and then said groggily, "Fine." Because that's what I always said.

My dad looked at me and instantly began to cry--as usual. Kaitlyn glanced up at me and then down at her lap.

"Good," my mom said, smoothing down my hair. "Good." She kissed me on the forehead.

"What's going on?" I asked, much more aware by now.

My dad began to cry harder and Kaitlyn whimpered. My mom shut her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Hazel," she said, clutching onto my hands. "I--I don't know how to say this--"

I looked around at everyone in the room wildly. My brain was working in slow-motion: I couldn't piece thoughts together.

"Baby," my mom said, her hands tightening their grip on mine. "Sweetheart."

She suddenly whimpered, dropped my hands, and looked away

My dad grabbed into her waist and pulled her towards him. "It's okay, honey," he said. "You shouldn't have to explain this to her. Where's a nurse?"

I looked around the room in confusion, my eyes finally resting on Kaitlyn. "What is going on?" I asked.

She looked at me nervously through her bangs, her upper lip biting her lower one. "Shall I go fetch a nurse?" she croaked.

My dad nodded. "Please."

She stood up and disappeared.

"Mom, Dad," I said desperately. "What the hell is happening?"

A tear slid down my dad's face and my mom heaved a heavy sigh.

I knew I should have known the answer--I knew that what was happening to me was perfectly obvious--but I couldn't really process it.

"Mom, Dad," I repeated, hating the way my voice broke.

They were scaring me, they really were. I was absolutely terrified, and I found that hard to admit to myself.

Kaitlyn returned with a nurse. Kaitlyn slid back into her chair, her eyes blank.

"Hello, hon," the nurse said to me. "My name is Honey."

I gave a thin-lipped smile and waved, somewhat sarcastically.

"Hazel," Honey continued, "as you know there was a very slim chance that Phalanxifor would work on you. The fact that it has worked for this long is really a miracle."

Come on, Hazel, I thought desperately. You know what she's trying to say ... Piece it all together.

Honey looked me very squarely in the eyes. "We all knew that it had an expiration date. As little as we hoped it wasn't true, we knew that it couldn't keep the tumors shrunk forever."

Oh my god, I thought, because it had finally hit me.

Honey sighed. "When we did an MRI scan yesterday, we knew that that time had come."

My miracle was no longer working.

"The Phalanxifor is beginning to wear out. Your tumors are growing, but fairly slowly. Though the drug can no longer completely prevent the tumors from growing, it can slow the growth."

Great. More pain. More hospital visits.

"How long?" I croaked.

"Five months, max," the nurse said quietly.

Here's the thing that I realized in those ten minutes:

You cannot prepare yourself for those words.

You cannot prepare yourself to hear someone who is a professional in dealing with sick people say that you are going to die in less than sixth months.

I had spent almost half a decade trying to get used to the idea that I was going to die prematurely. That I wasn't going to live a full life.

I had honestly thought that I had prepped myself. That I was going to accept death coolly and maybe even happily.

But here it was. I could be bought no more time. My shit lungs couldn't hold it together any longer. My time on this earth was running out.

And only now I realized that I really really didn't want to go. That death was scary and near. Only now did I know how precious this world truly is.

My infinity was rapidly coming to an end.