The Ghost of You - Phan

Anger

"Dan was the love of my life, but most importantly, he was my best friend," I began shakily, my eyes sweeping over the crowd gathered in front of me. Nearly all of them were crying, but there was the occasional person trying to keep it together, like Adrian, Dan's brother. Dan himself was standing behind him, looking down at his brother, who had a stone cold expression, void of emotion, though even from the front of the room, I could see how completely and utterly broken he was simply from looking at his eyes. As for his parents, they were openly crying; parents shouldn't have to outlive their child.

"We met on the internet, which probably seems strange to a lot of you here, but it allowed us to form a strong bond even before meeting each other properly," I continued, trying desperately to blink the tears back, "he often joked about how he stalked me until he managed to get my attention-" my voice broke suddenly, my eyes drifting towards Dan, who was staring intently at me, still standing behind his brother.

Our eyes met, and he nodded, as if to say it's ok if you can't carry on.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, a tear falling down my cheek, "I can't do it" and without any further words, I sat back down next to my parents in the front row. Dad rubbed my back comfortingly while mum held me around my shoulders.

There was a brief silence until Adrian stood up, taking my place at the front next to the coffin. He cleared his throat, and spoke in a clear voice, though there were sombre undertones.

"Dan was my best friend, too. He had such a daft sense of humour, he always managed to make me laugh when I was feeling down..." He carried on speaking, but I didn't take in a word, my focus was instead trained on the figure of Dan, who was pacing the pews, his eyes sweeping over the faces of the guests, and eventually, he stopped behind me, and it took everything in me to not look over my shoulder at him, in fear of attracting attention. Instead, I pretended to listen to Adrian's speech, though I was actually thinking about the absurdity of the situation. Dan was dead. But I was seeing him as if he were alive. It wasn't as if I was seeing a ghostly version of him either; he was there, in front of me, just like any other human, but no one else could see him.

It was wrong.

*

Myself, Adrian, Dan's dad and a couple other men carried the coffin outside, where a deep hole had been dug for it. It felt like every step I took, my heart broke a little bit more, my chest in agony by the time we arrived at the site. We settled the coffin down, and it lowered into the ground with a light thud.

"Well at least I'm close to hell this way" I heard from next to me. His voice was low, as if he was scared someone would hear him, despite the fact that it was clearly impossible. He really had a way of making innapropriate jokes, even back when he was alive. I didn't say anything, but I coughed, hoping he'd recognise this as a sign of acknowledgement.

I took a look at my surroundings properly for the first time since I'd arrived, cringing at the bright sunlight. I'd half expected Dan to joke about this, too, describing it as an oxymoron, or saying it's the earth's way of celebrating his death. The graveyard was full of gravestones, all displaying various degrees of age. Some were made of crumbling stone, others with a modern looking marble. Dan's was already there, black marble with silver engravings on it:

Daniel James Howell

1991-2023

Embrace the void and have the courage to exist

I almost broke down when my eyes rested on the headstone. That was one of my favourite things he'd said in a video. So many people had taken his words to heart, constantly quoting it online, or simply living life by those words; another reason why I was so proud of him.